hope is the thing with feathers

I know this means I'm late to the party but...

I found my first gray hair!

I used to like a scent from bath and body works called Velvet Tuberose. They discontinued it and I was sad. I was able to buy some on eBay but it was expensive to do it that way, plus the stuff was old. But nowwww they have taken that scent and rebranded it into something called One in a Million and I am in HEAVEN.

*sniffs self*

Ahhhhh. Self-care never smelled so good.

I'm doing pretty well. The medications I'm on have been good. I'm finally scheduled to see someone about my back.

DJ still isn't talking to me, but he graduated on Sunday. I was able to watch via live feed. He's signed up to go into the Air Force for 6 years. They want him for NASA or intelligence, they told him. I don't know if we can trust them, but I guess we'll see.

I miss him a lot.

My relationship with Zachary is really good though. We talk all the time, text and Facetime, and I try to support him no matter what his current passion is. It was drawing for awhile, which I could really get behind, but now he seems to be leaning more toward... gardening? I don't even know.

Meg was falling down a lot until we got to the doctor and he figured out it was vertigo from allergies. We got her on a new antihistamine and she's stopped falling.

As for me, other than the YAY MEDS working, I've been writing a lot. Unfortunately, everything I write is super long so I'm not actually posting much.

I probably left a lot out, so if you have a question just ask. I'd love some interaction.

I'm kinda out of it today. My head is a cross between supremely tired and outrageously MESSED UP. Just tangled up and hardly making sense. Words = difficult. Going from one subject to another in a logical way isn't working. In my mind, I mean. I feel like this might be like having a concussion, only without the severe blow to the head.

Possibly medication-related, since it only got worse after I the dose of Ritalin 2 or so hours ago. Which I took to combat the lethargy and tiredness I assumed was depression-related.

Ugh. This is NOT FUN.

This is a case where my DW zombie icon is actually warranted.

good morning!

I need to post here more often. last night I was backreading some of my circle's posts and saw several bemoaning the shift of fandom to Tumblr and how after the move to LJ some of us were not-quite-comfy with all the new info (posts about our cats and plants and bodily functions...) but now it's gone in the opposite direction and there's very little of the personal now. And how it's harder to make new fannish friends. I think it's not harder, it's just different. But I also would like to hang out here more often and interact with my circle more. But that's on ME. I don't spend a lot of time on Tumblr but I don't spend a lot of time on DW or LJ, either. The majority of my interactions happen via IM nowadays, but because of my various anxieties, I'm only chatting with 3 people on a regular basis: majoline, calystarose, and limnetic. I don't really feel comfortable with anyone else anymore. :\ But I think I'm better with interactions on DW and LJ. And I recently joined ushobwri and am trying to comment there and be a real part of that community, though it's way outside what's become my comfort zone.

gotta go. we're taking meg to get her new AFOs today. they have stars! current ones have butterflies and I think the stars are a little more 'grown up'. :)

It's pretty amazing that somehow after all this time, I've never actually made or used a 'physical health' tag. I have my 'my back hurts' tag, but nothing about any other physical complaints, just my pain. Huh.

But then I have to add the 'mental health' tag, because it's tied together.

VERTIGO, my friends, has come upon me once again. (not Hitchcock's kind)

I've had bouts of it over the years (the worst case of it I ever had was shortly after 9/11), and it's always because of some kind of upset in my emotions. If I cry too hard, BOOM, I get dizzy, and the dizziness might last for days. Usually it's manageable, but the previously mentioned 2001 case was debilitating. I could not move from my bed without assistance, and when I didn't get that assistance (thanks, asshole!) I ended up crawling on my knees to the bathroom in order to throw up. Nice, huh? (it should be mentioned that I was in my 3rd trimester and 9/11 was also Dad's bday, and he'd died a couple of months before. so there were many negative factors contributing to my state)

This time around, it's not nearly as bad. (and I am SO grateful for that!) But it has been going on for a few days now, and it isn't getting better.

If it gets any worse, I'll go to the doc and get some Antivert. Or tests. Or whatever. Sometimes it goes away on its own and I really don't have the money for another doctor visit this month. Or more meds. I know there are some exercises I can try at home to maybe lessen the problem, but UGH. They make you dizzy in order to make you less dizzy. I'm trying NOT to be dizzy, you know? :( I'm such a coward.

My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. ( some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )

glitch is closing, oh noes! it's so sad, I just started playing and there's so much of the world I haven't even seen yet. :(

On the good side of things, I have gotten some good stuff done on my Snarry fic, which is due on the 19th (meep) and hopefully I'll be done with it in time. \o/?

(meanwhile, dragon big bang is on hold while I finish the snarry)

oh, and did I mention I'm sick of PLAGUE? it's a gentle plague so far, but I know what's coming since mom is the one who gave it to me and I saw what she went through with it. :(

meg is doing better with the change of meds. well, mostly. today she's not so good. crying a lot. :\

I've been doing nothing but reading fic since I finished The End of Sorrow. I'd rather be writing. I love fic, and it's good to be able to read again (for so long I couldn't concentrate on it), but I'd rather be creating something.

Agoraphobia sucks.

I have another MRI tomorrow. My neck, this time.

That's all, I think.

Good news! My weird neurological symptoms are caused by a vitamin deficiency.

Also, I got tested for diabetes and am waiting for the results. It will take a couple of days, might not be until Monday or Tuesday. It's a possibility that this is why I'm thirsty and pee all the time. /tmi

Meg has asthma on top of the seizures now.