hope is the thing with feathers

(title from The Bell Jar, cause I'm feeling obvious)

Been feeling really crappy^[1] for the past few days. Don't know why, exactly^[2]. It's possibly the med I tried last week but you'd think that would be over with by now, especially since I only took it for 3 days. But anyway.

I am depressed. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being 'it's great to be alive' and 1 means I need a hospital setting where my shoelaces are taken, I'd go with 1.39 as my number.

DISTRACTIONS WELCOME.

Also, I'd like to say that I'm so sick of people using the word 'depressed' when they aren't actually depressed, because then when the word is used properly, it reads as a very weak, watered-down description of what it truly is.

I've let Mom know how bad it is, so she's watching me. In case you were worried. So don't worry.


[1] understatement

[2] so sick of blaming everything on my brain weasels - yes, I do know that 'random bouts of depression' comes with the bipolar territory, but it makes me feel so helpless when that's the ~only reason. I want something concrete I can, idk, SHOOT. something other than my own head, I mean. oh, haha, probably shouldn't say that in the same post where I'm alluding to suicide, right?

I've got almost enough to pay for my meds + food until the end of the month. Thank you for helping me out, I appreciate it so much. I have been super careful with my Percocet but now I'm out and there's a storm coming so I huuuurt! :( But I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and should get my prescriptions written - I just need a bit more to fill them. I am guessing I need about $50-$75 more and I can pay for everything.

If you can help, it would be great. my paypal is anthony.melissa (at) rocketmail (dot) com.

My youngest son has been here since Saturday now. It is so great to spend time with him. I don't think I ever told you guys about what happened during the winter holidays with DJ. I tried to write & post about it a couple of times, but I couldn't really get through it all, even in writing and taking breaks and stuff. But anyway, DJ isn't here and we're not really talking to each other, mostly because he's taken to being the Worst Teenager Ever, or fulfilling every single stereotype of hateful teenagers. It's painful, but at least Zach doesn't hate me... yet. :\

I've been looking online at different free mood diaries, but I'm getting a little overwhelmed and would like to have a shorter list to look at.

Does anyone use any (free) mood software (PC/Windows) that has helped at all? I need something with entries for multiple moods per day and also different meds.

It can be downloadable software or a service/site I could sign up for. Either one.

Thank you in advance.

(x-posted to phases)

Okay, so the most wonderful thing happened to/for me... I swallowed my pride and asked for your help, and then BAM, a few people very very generously gave.

My new computer is supposed to arrive today. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM.

New computer means downloading stuff to put on it, and this is where you come in. Below is the list I made of essentials I'll be downloading to get cozy, but I feel like I've missed some stuff. If you can think of stuff I should absolutely have and should not be living without, please to be commenting to let me know! It doesn't matter what the purpose of the software is, whether it's for maintenance or some other thing. It just has to be something you think I really should have or something you personally don't think you could live without.

(important info: new computer is a PC running Windows 8) (OMG WINDOWS 8! This one right here is running fucking Vista!)

greenie's list of essentials

Chrome
Avast
Deluge
VLC
Gtalk
Calibre
Libre Office
Spotify
WinRAR
Adobe
-Photoshop
-Premiere Pro
-After Effects
-Illustrator