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religion hurts and I need a hug. hugs. plural.
This morning I started thinking how much I wish I could make Mom happy with the religion stuff. I started thinking about how she's 70 now, and her health isn't stellar, and how maybe one day I'll regret not at least going to church with her sometimes. But just the thought of setting foot in a Christian church again, and a Free Will Baptist church at that, makes me sick to my stomach.
Mom and I don't talk about religion too often, or at least not at length. She does often mention how much she worries about me because of my lack of faith in Jesus and all the rest of the stuff that comes along with her brand of belief. I do my best not to talk about the specifics of why I can't do it, because I know it will hurt her more to hear me say it outright. Sometimes I feel so trapped by this, by not being able to talk freely about my own identity.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or how I feel, but the fact is that Mom's belief is the most important thing in her life. I've tried my hardest to accept that. I try to keep it in mind. I try not to hurt her more than I have to. I leave most of it unspoken so she can ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. I do recognize that she could treat me a lot worse. There are many fundamentalists who, in Mom's place, would turn me out and leave me with no place to go and no way to care for myself or Meg, or who would force me into some kind of "reparative" therapy as a condition to live here or continue to have a relationship with her.
And yes, it's an extremely low bar right there. But Mom's religion is so important to her that it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her to at least consider those (frankly horrifying) reactions. For all I know, she did consider them, but chose not to go those routes in the end.
Well, anyway, I decided to tell Mom I wish I could go to church, if only to make her happy. That I'd thought about it but I can't. And she thanked me for telling her, and told me it wasn't that she wants me to go to church -- she wants me to believe. And she said, again, that she worries so much about me. Now I wish I hadn't said anything because she started crying and then I was sniffly and it fills me with frustration and anger and sadness.
Religion should be something that makes your life better. It should not be this horrible elephant in the room (or house, in our case). It shouldn't divide, but I think we all know it does. Look at our world, look at all the people who die or kill for it, or the kids who are abused or killed every day - many by their own hand because of this SHIT they can't escape, and all the pain it causes.
Why do so many of us have to pay the cost for other people's narrow view of the world as informed by their belief system?
It hurts so bad. It hurts right now, it's hurting and it never stops hurting and here I am feeling guilty for being hurt by it.
Mom and I don't talk about religion too often, or at least not at length. She does often mention how much she worries about me because of my lack of faith in Jesus and all the rest of the stuff that comes along with her brand of belief. I do my best not to talk about the specifics of why I can't do it, because I know it will hurt her more to hear me say it outright. Sometimes I feel so trapped by this, by not being able to talk freely about my own identity.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or how I feel, but the fact is that Mom's belief is the most important thing in her life. I've tried my hardest to accept that. I try to keep it in mind. I try not to hurt her more than I have to. I leave most of it unspoken so she can ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. I do recognize that she could treat me a lot worse. There are many fundamentalists who, in Mom's place, would turn me out and leave me with no place to go and no way to care for myself or Meg, or who would force me into some kind of "reparative" therapy as a condition to live here or continue to have a relationship with her.
And yes, it's an extremely low bar right there. But Mom's religion is so important to her that it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her to at least consider those (frankly horrifying) reactions. For all I know, she did consider them, but chose not to go those routes in the end.
Well, anyway, I decided to tell Mom I wish I could go to church, if only to make her happy. That I'd thought about it but I can't. And she thanked me for telling her, and told me it wasn't that she wants me to go to church -- she wants me to believe. And she said, again, that she worries so much about me. Now I wish I hadn't said anything because she started crying and then I was sniffly and it fills me with frustration and anger and sadness.
Religion should be something that makes your life better. It should not be this horrible elephant in the room (or house, in our case). It shouldn't divide, but I think we all know it does. Look at our world, look at all the people who die or kill for it, or the kids who are abused or killed every day - many by their own hand because of this SHIT they can't escape, and all the pain it causes.
Why do so many of us have to pay the cost for other people's narrow view of the world as informed by their belief system?
It hurts so bad. It hurts right now, it's hurting and it never stops hurting and here I am feeling guilty for being hurt by it.
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Stuff like this is so hard and I wish I knew how to help, but I haven't figured it out either.
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I did try going to church a couple of times with my dad when he was in his 80s, but all it accomplished was to thoroughly piss me off, so it wasn't exactly successful.
What you believe or don't is actually none of your mother's business, but I know it's not that easy. Can't she trust her god and his love--she's Christian, right? Jesus was seriously a loving guy, who seemed to want his followers to be happy. All that showing off shit was something he preached against.
It's not for HER to worry. It's something she needs to give to god and stfu. I know that sounds harsh, but damn. I'm so tired of people being mean to those they should love, all in the name of religion.
So many hugs.
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When it comes to family and religion problems, I've heard quite a few- nonreligious parents with zealot children, horrifying in-laws, "Don't tell the neighbors about your scandal" reactions... the truth is, and I mean this, when it comes to religion everyone is crazy.
It's- there's a literal neurosis around it in our society. Whether you are or aren't, whether you are one thing or another, there's this paranoia and compulsion to convert... It's all frankly very exhausting.
And once you say "I don't believe" well, then it's like a constant justification struggle at every turn, and after a while you just get tired of talking about it.
When it comes to family, I got fairly lucky- my parents are nutters in different ways, but generally respect my atheism. But then, I'm also not particularly militant- I sometimes wonder how my mother would be if I were a *bit* more on the radical anarchist side.
You are 100% right when you say it divides people. I am convinced that is all it was ever actually intended to do, if not by the people who wrote all of these things down, then by the people who made them popular and "interpreted them". I am so sorry this is causing problems for you and your mother- these situations are just never easy and nothing makes it better.
But do know you are not alone. There are thousands of people going through the same things with their family- working out belief systems despite the problems it brings interpersonally. There a really good advice column on one of my humanist sites called "The Ethical Dilemma" which covers a lot on family disagreements, and it might be comforting to you to check it out. (Not all the columns are about family issues- they vary, but I've see a few good ones.) There are resources out there for you, and people willing to listen and share experiences, so, just don't feel like you're alone, because you aren't. <3
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Could you link me to the site you mentioned?
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But here are the few I think you might find helpful.
http://thehumanist.com/voices/the_ethical_dilemma/the-ethical-dilemma-my-parents-may-stop-paying-for-college-if-i-come-out-as-an-atheist-help
http://thehumanist.com/voices/the_ethical_dilemma/the-ethical-dilemma-love-my-religious-family-hate-the-religion
http://thehumanist.com/voices/the_ethical_dilemma/the-ethical-dilemma-i-came-out-as-an-atheist-and-now-my-family-hates-me-help
I hope they help- it nothing else, it's always good to get perspective. <3
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