hope is the thing with feathers

My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. ( some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )

my dragon big bang is now affectionately called "OMG WHERE DID THAT PLOT TWIST COME FROM?" and is about 14,200 words long and growing by the day.

did I mention I'm supposed to be going back to school? if everything works out and I don't freak too badly, I'll be starting back January 7th. I have mixed feelings. Last time I went to school I lost touch with fannishness and didn't write anything or make icons or art or anything like that. :(

speaking of art, I downloaded inkscape. now, I'm an Illustrator girl, but this wee computer won't tolerate Illy. so i'm giving inkscape a try. hmmmm. let's see what I come up with. I have Sterek art planned. \o/? but first I have to relearn an entirely new program with different features, extra features, and in some cases less features. I'm going to be going through some basic tutorials in order to learn, which is how I learned Illy. Tuts+ has a slew of Illy tutorials but precious few for Inkscape. I don't know, you guys. NEW GROUND TO COVER.

so. writing. school. art. um, what else?

well, an update on meg, I guess. she's not doing too well. we keep juggling her meds hoping a new cocktail or different dosages will somehow jar her out of this seizure problem of hers, but since she's been having them for fifteen years, our hopes aren't too high. it's been almost a year since she got worse and while she's gained a little ground since we changed back to the original neurologist, she's still having two types of seizures -- one where she drops her head, drools, and shakes, and the other where she contorts and grunts. they're definitely seizures and have been caught on EEG and marked as such, so yeah. and it's just the meds we have as an option; the other options most people with intractable epilepsy have just aren't for meg. (please don't state your case for the diet or the VNS or surgery. we know the options and have weighed them against meg's happiness and well-being for YEARS.)

ugh, well, that was fun.

finals are over! \o/

I have TONS to do before the new year. the boys are supposed to come tomorrow for a day or so, but it's still iffy. I can never tell with my ex whether something is actually going to happen.

I had PT today and it didn't hurt as bad as the first two times. yay!

my stomach is tore up. that's how you say it here in the south. tore up. it's anxiety. last night I had nightmares about the poetry presentation I have to give today, and I think I have to miss my last Algebra class because I shouldn't stray far from the toilet.

I feel awful. :(

ugh, I really need to go to that Algebra class.

send good thoughts?

also, mom felt the need to send me an email news article about 100 Orthodox rabbis and their same-sex declaration (hint: they're not for it). so it's like she's poking my religion and my queerness at the same time? not that I'm Orthodox. But mom seems to think that Orthodox Judaism is the best Judaism and ... idk how to explain it. I want to cry.

I started observing in actual classrooms last Friday and went back today for another three hours of observation. It will take me 10 weeks to get enough hours the way I'm going, but that's fine.

I wrote a post about it last week, but I made it private. It was mainly about the achievement gap and how horrendous it is. I threw in some social justice and religion. I don't know why I made it private, I just did. I didn't really come up with any good answers and it mainly was me flailing at the system and society and how fucking pissed I am that there's a remedial English class at the local high school full of minority children who can barely read. Who are in 12th grade and are expected to graduate.

Okay, I'm not going to get into that again because I don't have the answers and it just frustrates me.

Yesterday I got through my tests and essay okay. The tests were easier than the essay.

Really bummed about not being eligible for food stamps anymore. Meg is still eligible, but I'm not, and it brings our total to about $129(?) for the month. Not a lot. And I'm still trying to pay bills with Meg's SSI check which, as you might recall, got cut awhile back. If I could work, I would. It's just not possible.

I don't know how I've gotten this far with school without having a breakdown so far. (I keep waiting for it to happen, but I know I shouldn't think like that.) But I make myself go and do homework and try my best. I know I can't rely heavily on motivation, because that comes and goes. I just have to do it.

I am supposed to be writing something about school every day. My therapist is making me. I'm not exactly keeping up, but anyway. Writing about school.

( ALGEBRA. BIOLOGY. GO AWAAAAAY! )

I have officially registered for classes, I have a student ID, and I'm thisclose to having my books. Unfortunately, the computer network failed totally when I was in the bookstore and I couldn't get the books.

BUT HEY, CLASSES.

Biology!
Intermediate Algebra!
Intro to the Teaching Profession!
Communication Skills II!

And I'm not getting what's left over of my Pell Grant money until October, so I don't know what I'll do about gas.

I totes need a school icon.

thank you very much to the person who sent me my new backpack and a book to keep me on track for school. it is GREATLY appreciated, bb.

I am sooo nervous about going, though. soooo nervous. I thought I was over it, but I'm back to wondering if I'll be able to actually go to classes and do the work, etc. I do not trust my mental health. :\

but I'm going to TRY to stay positive. try try try. but I need you guys so bad. you have no idea how much it means to me that you believe in me and think I can do it. it makes me cry happy tears, it really does.

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life is pretty sucky lately.