green: (stock: typewriter)
My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but [personal profile] nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And [personal profile] wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )
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so I'm NOT going to school january 7th. I turned in my FAFSA too late and missed the deadline for my other financial aid stuff. and no, I can't go to school without it. so while the school is welcoming me back with open arms, I won't be going. not this coming semester, anyway.

but that gives me more time to write fic! *looks on the bright side* and also art and even maybe make vids if I can ever gather enough cash to get my other computer fixed. and I can cheerlead and squee and do all the things I won't have time to do when I'm in school! so while this no-school thing is disappointing, it has a definite silver lining.

so yeah.

okay, I'm going back to my dragon big bang now.
green: (red: cartoon red)
my dragon big bang is now affectionately called "OMG WHERE DID THAT PLOT TWIST COME FROM?" and is about 14,200 words long and growing by the day.

did I mention I'm supposed to be going back to school? if everything works out and I don't freak too badly, I'll be starting back January 7th. I have mixed feelings. Last time I went to school I lost touch with fannishness and didn't write anything or make icons or art or anything like that. :(

speaking of art, I downloaded inkscape. now, I'm an Illustrator girl, but this wee computer won't tolerate Illy. so i'm giving inkscape a try. hmmmm. let's see what I come up with. I have Sterek art planned. \o/? but first I have to relearn an entirely new program with different features, extra features, and in some cases less features. I'm going to be going through some basic tutorials in order to learn, which is how I learned Illy. Tuts+ has a slew of Illy tutorials but precious few for Inkscape. I don't know, you guys. NEW GROUND TO COVER.

so. writing. school. art. um, what else?

well, an update on meg, I guess. she's not doing too well. we keep juggling her meds hoping a new cocktail or different dosages will somehow jar her out of this seizure problem of hers, but since she's been having them for fifteen years, our hopes aren't too high. it's been almost a year since she got worse and while she's gained a little ground since we changed back to the original neurologist, she's still having two types of seizures -- one where she drops her head, drools, and shakes, and the other where she contorts and grunts. they're definitely seizures and have been caught on EEG and marked as such, so yeah. and it's just the meds we have as an option; the other options most people with intractable epilepsy have just aren't for meg. (please don't state your case for the diet or the VNS or surgery. we know the options and have weighed them against meg's happiness and well-being for YEARS.)

ugh, well, that was fun.
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MRI went well. It was an open one this time, so I wasn't TRAPPED even though I was strapped to a weird neck brace.

I'm dizzy, but [personal profile] schemingreader just pointed out to me that MRIs make lots of people dizzy.

I'm at that point in the year where I'm worried about going back to school. I took this semester off because of my back and was grateful I DID take off because of all the problems we've been having with Meg. It's been a bad six months.

But now I'm going 'wow, I don't know if I can do it' and also there's the thing where our food stamps get cut in half if I'm in school and we really can't afford that. Last time we barely got by, and I had help from you guys financially. So I don't know.

Also, my head is fucked up. Not really badly, I can function day to day, but I don't know how well I'd do in school. It might be good for me and it might be terrible.

I did really well last semester. I made the Dean's List. I had fun learning, even when I felt like I was barely holding on. But I did it. I don't know. I need to think some more.
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finals are over! \o/

I have TONS to do before the new year. the boys are supposed to come tomorrow for a day or so, but it's still iffy. I can never tell with my ex whether something is actually going to happen.

I had PT today and it didn't hurt as bad as the first two times. yay!
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Cycle of Souls, or at least the first part, is now available in Russian!

The lovely masha_kami came to me and wanted to translate it, and wow, that is so awesome! \o/


I had PT today, and it hurts. I also had an English essay. And my final is on Monday for that class. Wheeeee.

Have I mentioned that I'm probably not going to school next semester? :\ If I get an appointment with an adviser I might. UGH SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON.

anyway. so stressed. bye.


Dec. 6th, 2011 08:27 am
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my stomach is tore up. that's how you say it here in the south. tore up. it's anxiety. last night I had nightmares about the poetry presentation I have to give today, and I think I have to miss my last Algebra class because I shouldn't stray far from the toilet.

I feel awful. :(

ugh, I really need to go to that Algebra class.

send good thoughts?

also, mom felt the need to send me an email news article about 100 Orthodox rabbis and their same-sex declaration (hint: they're not for it). so it's like she's poking my religion and my queerness at the same time? not that I'm Orthodox. But mom seems to think that Orthodox Judaism is the best Judaism and ... idk how to explain it. I want to cry.


Sep. 10th, 2011 01:34 pm
green: (due south: smiling on a boat)
I got my grades from my Algebra and Biology tests. I got an 86 on the Algebra and a 102(!) on my Bio. No idea how I did on my English essay, but these grades are much, much better than I expected.

I apologize for posting about school so much. I know some people just set up a school filter, but I've decided that me and filters don't really go well together.
green: (stock: teaching)
I started observing in actual classrooms last Friday and went back today for another three hours of observation. It will take me 10 weeks to get enough hours the way I'm going, but that's fine.

I wrote a post about it last week, but I made it private. It was mainly about the achievement gap and how horrendous it is. I threw in some social justice and religion. I don't know why I made it private, I just did. I didn't really come up with any good answers and it mainly was me flailing at the system and society and how fucking pissed I am that there's a remedial English class at the local high school full of minority children who can barely read. Who are in 12th grade and are expected to graduate.

Okay, I'm not going to get into that again because I don't have the answers and it just frustrates me.

Yesterday I got through my tests and essay okay. The tests were easier than the essay.

Really bummed about not being eligible for food stamps anymore. Meg is still eligible, but I'm not, and it brings our total to about $129(?) for the month. Not a lot. And I'm still trying to pay bills with Meg's SSI check which, as you might recall, got cut awhile back. If I could work, I would. It's just not possible.

I don't know how I've gotten this far with school without having a breakdown so far. (I keep waiting for it to happen, but I know I shouldn't think like that.) But I make myself go and do homework and try my best. I know I can't rely heavily on motivation, because that comes and goes. I just have to do it.
green: (sherlock: john watson)
okay, so. today I have two tests AND an in-class essay. two tests! and an in-class essay!

I haven't taken a test OR written an essay in *counts* FIFTEEN YEARS.

I want to just go back to bed. I forgot about this part of school. It's not all just fun learning, there are TESTS. meep.
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I am supposed to be writing something about school every day. My therapist is making me. I'm not exactly keeping up, but anyway. Writing about school.

green: (due south: diefenbaker)
I am so happy that the hurricane is missing us. We have been lucky this hurricane season. *knocks on wood*

1. School: I spoke too soon on Algebra being fun. Today we were doing this factoring polynomials stuff and I did not get it all and had a hard time doing my homework. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day, and hopefully by Monday I'll be ready to learn something else. :| Biology is going to be tough, too, but I think as long as I study every day I'll be okay.

2. Tomorrow I go to the local high school and hopefully strike up a friendship or something with the principal. idk idk. I am not a talky person like my mom, who can talk to people about things they are interested in and make them like her. I usually stay silent until I have something important to say, else I blurt out something stupid.

And then after I've talked to the principal, I probably have to go to the school board to get my background check process started.

3. Meg is having fewer seizures this week! \o/ \o/ \o/ We think it has something to do with school and less tv watching, but we're not sure. Supposedly she does not have the kind of seizures that are brought on by flashing, and we don't watch shows that do a lot of that, but still, the tv might be a factor.

4. ...oh, is this tab still open and I have not thought of something else?
green: (red: cartoon red)
school )
green: (red: cartoon red)
I got through my first day of school!

...and finished all my homework. I can't believe it took me so long to do all the reading. And I didn't understand a word of my Bio reading. seriously, so scared now. :\

but anyway, I only cried twice. (during class. I managed to hide it, I think)

also, I learned that this semester I need to do 30 hours of class observation at a local K-12 school. I need 'professional' clothes. I think I have one outfit that fits that description, two if you count the dress I use for funerals. (I'm not actually counting that.)

I don't know what else to say. I'm totally wiped out. So many people. And walking around the campus. And so many people!
green: (bandom: korse)
I have officially registered for classes, I have a student ID, and I'm thisclose to having my books. Unfortunately, the computer network failed totally when I was in the bookstore and I couldn't get the books.


Intermediate Algebra!
Intro to the Teaching Profession!
Communication Skills II!

And I'm not getting what's left over of my Pell Grant money until October, so I don't know what I'll do about gas.

I totes need a school icon.
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hi. did you know there was a federal regulation that says if you're a college student, you have to work on top of that in order to get food stamps? but you know how much you have to work to get food stamps if you're NOT going to college? NADA. the woman who informed me of this lovely regulation says it's set in stone and there is no free pass on it.

wtf, america? how do I get ahead if I can't eat? my situation cannot be that unique. I can only go to school while meg is in school. come 2 o'clock, I've got to be home. I can't work on top of going to school full time.




eta: okay, I have done some research. I've read the regulation, and there's no exception for me. at all. there's no exception for students with children who are disabled. none. there's an exception for if you have a child 12 and under, but meg is 15. I don't know what I'm going to DO.


Aug. 10th, 2011 02:24 pm
green: (woo hoo!)
thank you very much to the person who sent me my new backpack and a book to keep me on track for school. it is GREATLY appreciated, bb.

I am sooo nervous about going, though. soooo nervous. I thought I was over it, but I'm back to wondering if I'll be able to actually go to classes and do the work, etc. I do not trust my mental health. :\

but I'm going to TRY to stay positive. try try try. but I need you guys so bad. you have no idea how much it means to me that you believe in me and think I can do it. it makes me cry happy tears, it really does.
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today I'm feeling nostalgic for my stories. mostly for Another World. I watched it from the time I was a baby (I was born the same year as Amanda Cory). I kept up with it until it was cancelled in 1999. I still have a VHS tape around here of the final episode.

hmm, what else have I been doing? well, baking. I've been baking a lot. today I made two pound cakes.

I finished watching all of Voyager. I can't wait for Deep Space Nine to come to Netflix streaming. I'm excited just thinking about it. :DDD

WELCOME to all my new friends. I'm so happy to have found you.

I haven't seen XFC yet. It's on my hard drive but I haven't gotten to it.

For dinner I'm making mac & cheese and hotdogs. Gourmet, right?

School starts on the 22nd. I'm nervous. I put some school supplies up on my Amazon wish list if anyone wants to help. I am broke. :( I don't know what exactly I'll need but pencils, pens, paper seemed appropriate.

I also need clothes.

I have three brand new tops and a really nice cardigan (gray with faux fur trim on the hood, it is FABULOUS) that are all for a size L-XL. I have ... um, grown a bit. (damn the baking) Does anyone want them for a nice price or a trade of clothes that fit me? I am in about an 18 now. The shirts were $50 together and the cardigan was $50, and nothing's been worn.

I would really like to get some clothes to wear to school so I'm not forced to wear my pajamas.

I feel ridiculous asking for help to go to school.


Oct. 7th, 2010 03:10 pm
green: (stock: tired)
I'm on financial aid suspension. Unless I come up with a damned good appeal, I'm not going back to school.

I don't know what to do. I've been wrapped up and looking forward to going back to school for months. I started going back to therapy just so I could get over the agoraphobia enough to attend classes. And now I might not even be able to go? This is such bullshit.

And I don't have a good enough excuse for my appeal. They want something like a physical disability or death in the family. :((((((


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