hope is the thing with feathers

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

There's a hymn I used to sing in church as a kid that I keep remembering this line from: I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.

My bank account is overdrawn about -250.00 right now. my Paypal is here if you can/want to help. But that is not the reason for this post. (edit: I am looking better financially now thanks to some very wonderful friends and readers.)

I am just so depressed. I know the seasonal sads have a lot to do with it, but it's also being away from my sons (one doesn't speak to me and has started being verbally abusive to my mom so that's going 'great' places soon) (the other one is stuck in Texas for the time being and can't come to Christmas here). My daughter turned 29 yesterday and I'm just worn out from taking care of her. I love her so much. But I am tired.

My mom is getting older and less able to help around the house and also now I'm helping her more than myself anymore.

I was doing better but between the holiday and the financial problems, the depression came back and hit me in the face. And the backs of my knees. And my spine.

I've got almost enough to pay for my meds + food until the end of the month. Thank you for helping me out, I appreciate it so much. I have been super careful with my Percocet but now I'm out and there's a storm coming so I huuuurt! :( But I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and should get my prescriptions written - I just need a bit more to fill them. I am guessing I need about $50-$75 more and I can pay for everything.

If you can help, it would be great. my paypal is anthony.melissa (at) rocketmail (dot) com.

My youngest son has been here since Saturday now. It is so great to spend time with him. I don't think I ever told you guys about what happened during the winter holidays with DJ. I tried to write & post about it a couple of times, but I couldn't really get through it all, even in writing and taking breaks and stuff. But anyway, DJ isn't here and we're not really talking to each other, mostly because he's taken to being the Worst Teenager Ever, or fulfilling every single stereotype of hateful teenagers. It's painful, but at least Zach doesn't hate me... yet. :\

I rly rly love my kids. my oldest son is in Homestuck fandom and has linked me to a site where he's been RPing an OC. actually, he tells me he has two OCs! a troll and a human, to be exact.

HEARTS.

ugh. so. the youngest has a black eye. just putting that out there. edit: I didn't do it.

meg has had so many seizures today, and has fallen twice.

my oldest son is taller than I am. He's only fourteen, wtf.

also, he told me he'd never heard of LotR until a few days ago. *boggles* Steve has told me he's taking me and the boys to see the Hobbit while they're here, so at least that'll be good, right?

So, this morning I wake up with two words in my brain, and I had no idea what they meant. Flotsam and jetsam. So I look it up and the Google Machine tells me that they are maritime words to describe a wreck.

Flotsam is floating wreckage of a ship or its cargo. Jetsam is part of a ship, its equipment, or its cargo that is purposefully cast overboard or jettisoned to lighten the load in time of distress and that sinks or is washed ashore - wiki

I do not know where I picked these up, but dreaming about vocabulary words is MUCH BETTER than dreaming about my ex, which is what I've been doing all week.

This post was to remind you all that tw_holidays is still posting fics, and is possibly wrapping up soon? Many many fics have been posted so far, one of them mine (though I can't tell you which one, that would be cheating!). The reveal is January 5th.

But I should also say that snape_potter is still posting fics for Secret Snarry Swap and some of the fics are just magnificent. I haven't had the time to read most of either of these fests, but I will say what I have read has been quality stuff. And yeah, I wrote for this fest too, and I'm floored by the reception my fic has gotten. I have NO IDEA when the reveal is, though. So I will just sit on the link to my own fic for now.

I am on the DW Love Meme here. Leave a comment or seven, leave your own name, and post about it so it gets spread 'round. I believe jjhunter is going to stop unscreening comments on the 23rd, so hurry. EDIT: not stopping unscreening, but it will be closed for new noms.

I do not know why I'm writing this in the Rich Text editor. Maybe I'm just too lazy to code simple HTML these days.

Boys are coming SATURDAY. \o/ \o/ \o/

(and GOOD NEWS on the TEEN WOLF front. I would like everyone to welcome my long-time friend flaming_muse to the fandom. MWAHAHAHAHA YES. OH YES.) I feel like putting together a 'welcome to Teen Wolf fandom' packet with icons, meta, and fic recs for the newbies. I could totes do that.

My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. ( some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )

Okay, so, for xmas I'm going the illegally downloaded route, because I have no money at all.

13 year old boy has a Kindle. I'm wanting to fill it with books he'll like. I'm starting with:

The Hobbit

and

Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo (this is the 10 year old's suggestion, based on past preferences)

But I would like a lot more on there, so here is what you can do: RECOMMEND SOME BOOKS. From past experience, I know you are GREAT at this. Also, if you have advice on illegal downloading of books, give it here. I've not done it before. Movies and music, yes, but what if books are different? They're supposed to be MOBI files, right?

Ugh, and now I am thinking of asking Jerry what he's getting the 10 year old for xmas so I can buy complementary gifts. *shivers uncomfortably*

Did I mention the 10 year old wants a ghillie suit for his birthday/xmas? Mom and I are going halfsies on it so it's not too expensive.

My son is amazing. I can't say enough good things about him. He's writing his own comic book! :D

I'm mainlining Person of Interest. It has everything I need to remain happy. (take one BAMF and one genius and make them partners. that's pretty much all I need.)

finals are over! \o/

I have TONS to do before the new year. the boys are supposed to come tomorrow for a day or so, but it's still iffy. I can never tell with my ex whether something is actually going to happen.

I had PT today and it didn't hurt as bad as the first two times. yay!

One of my goals is to write in a journal every day. I'm doing it here. Lucky you!

( lalalalalala )

Today I joined exercise_every_day which is a brand spanking new comm here on DW.

rydra_wong made an awesome post in lifting_heavy_things about free strength training.

*

DJ is going back home tomorrow. I'll miss him so much. This last month has been great having him with me.