hope is the thing with feathers

my stomach is tore up. that's how you say it here in the south. tore up. it's anxiety. last night I had nightmares about the poetry presentation I have to give today, and I think I have to miss my last Algebra class because I shouldn't stray far from the toilet.

I feel awful. :(

ugh, I really need to go to that Algebra class.

send good thoughts?

also, mom felt the need to send me an email news article about 100 Orthodox rabbis and their same-sex declaration (hint: they're not for it). so it's like she's poking my religion and my queerness at the same time? not that I'm Orthodox. But mom seems to think that Orthodox Judaism is the best Judaism and ... idk how to explain it. I want to cry.

velveteen rabbi has some awesome thoughts on tisha b'av. very moving, very inspiring.

okay, I have closed all the 'bad' tabs. -- tumblr and gigposters, mainly, those are my weaknesses.

I am going to write something today if it kills me. my brain is a little crazy though. it doesn't help that the tv is on all day except when meg is napping.

watching sg-1.

can't get this song out of my head today:

( I cut my hair and here's proof! )

my mom is mad at me. she says when I'm manic that it's hell.

I guess I should go to a salon tomorrow and see if they can make it more mom-friendly. on wednesday I'm going to meg's school and mom doesn't want to be embarrassed, I guess.

I feel much better than I did this morning, thanks to you guys, here and in IM.

also, I bought an interfaith haggadah. spending money you don't have is a symptom of bipolar, too. mania.

I told mom I bought it and now she's mad because I was supposed to buy a fan for meg's room. I forgot.

tell me something awesome?

Y HALO THAR, FLIST! Or shall I call you my circle?

I am busy getting content together for three_weeks_for_dw. So far I have some journal headers, my Mikeyway fic project, and a picspam in the making. I plan to make icons, more headers, and more picspammy stuff. Also, hopefully I'll finish my hurt/comfort Waycest fic soon and be able to post that.

Here's my plan for three_weeks_for_dw: COMMENTING MORE. I have been trying to comment more at DW instead of LJ for awhile now, but I plan to step it up. POSTING CONTENT TO DW ONLY. That's pretty much what the fest is about, anyway. ADDING MORE PEOPLE TO MY DW CIRCLE. I've been doing this, but I'm sure there will be more awesome people I will find during the fest. FRIENDING MEME. Maybe. I want more bandom on DW. COMMENT FIC. I'm ... not quite working on my prompts yet, but I will!

What else, what else. If you are reading me on LJ, please remember that for about the next month or so I will be posting things at DW that are only here. So check often if you don't have a DW account. (or you could just get a DW account, add me to your circle, and go from there :D)

I have some new friends, so I am thinking of writing an ABOUT ME post. I might be confusing to new people, I'm not sure. I also want to write a WHY JUDAISM post, about what brought me to the religion and why it resonates with me.

My BADD post is done and ready to be posted on May 1st. It took a lot out of me writing it, but I think it is an important post that needed to be written, and while it sickens and angers me, I am glad I wrote it.

Are you participating in BADD?

Blogging Against Disablism Day

You don't have to write a post -- people who listen and learn are just as important.

And NEWS: I forgot to post this, but the hospital re-RE-scheduled Meg's tests (the flim-flamming bastards). We will be going in to Shands on Monday after all. Which means I will be AFK a lot, but I do have a hotel room with internet booked, so I will be around when I can be.

I picked this up via twitter: New bill would make conversion insufficient for Israeli citizenship

I am angry.

I have thought extensively about making aliyah, because part of being a Jew is having the choice, and I like having choices. Even though I've decided that aliyah isn't for me in the short run, I liked having that choice. I thought, perhaps, when I am old and gray, I might take advantage of the Law of Return. The choice is, to me, part and parcel of Jewish identity.

Now someone wants to take that away from me. It is saying, "You aren't a real Jew, and you never will be." It goes against halacha (Jewish law), which says a Jew is a Jew, whether he or she is born Jewish or converts.

I am angry. I am not yet a Jew, but I am converting. And when I have completed my conversion, I want the same opportunities as a born Jew. That is how it should be.

Please help by lending your voice.

Okay, so the guy in Miami is a ripoff and his conversions aren't recognized by the majority of the Jewish community. I'm glad I found that out before I paid any money. HOWEVER, I met the most charming Israeli rabbi online who has agreed to help me convert -- for free! We had our first lesson last night. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know, but it was a good basis for our classes. We're doing them over Skype.

The rabbi -- Hillel -- is Masorti, which is the Israeli (and other countries that aren't the US and Canada) equivalent of the Conservative movement.

He told me to save the money I would have paid the other rabbi and save up for a trip to Israel. Which is scary and exciting.

We are not just talking about Jewish stuff, either. He's funny and absolutely charming. He's gotten pretty much my whole life story out of me and I've learned a lot about him, too. He's originally from Canada and made aliyah when he was 19. Like me, he's divorced and has three children. His kids live in Jerusalem. Hillel lives in Netanya and is a full-time pulpit rabbi to a large congregation.

Now that I've completely bored you...

Something is wrong with my cat's leg. She's dragging it and it appears to be broken or out of joint. We're taking her to the vet today. :(

I contacted another rabbi today about conversion. Waiting to hear back from him. I've waited 2 years to see if wanting to convert is just a passing thing or if the feelings would get stronger, and it appears that I'm in it for life.

I'm meeting with Andrew (the study partner) in person on Monday. He's coming down from Auburn, AL to visit me. He is in the early stages of becoming a rabbi. He's into the Renewal movement, which is feminist and queer friendly. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.