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yesterday, I did NOTHING. the only productive thing I did was make dinner (frittata, it was okayish). today I'm going to write. I'm going to finish my FandomAid auction fic if it KILLS ME. (why can't I just have someone else write all the smut for me. why?)

*toes dirt* I, um, picked up a few more friends at the friending meme. HI NEW PEOPLE! but that's it, I'm not adding anyone else. unless they add me first. (in which case I will squee and add them back gleefully)

it seems that no one wants icons! seriously, I want to make icons for you. do you think my icons are sucky, is that it? do you need samples? I'll give you samples! (if I can. OMG PHOTOBUCKET, STOP BEING CRAZY)

other icons in this post: the walking dead, teen wolf, sherlock, due south, bucky barnes, avengers

some more icons you might want to snag under the cut - not in order )

oh, so. I was talking to someone on okcupid and I think I scared him away by talking about religion. see, I asked him to tell me something that's not on his profile, so he tells me he used to be Catholic and left the church and is now basically agnostic. so I tell him about how I'm technically Noahide if you want to put a label on me, and how I think of my religion as Judaism but can't quite identify as Jewish since I haven't converted yet. Maybe I rambled about it too much, IDK. all I know is that he hasn't responded since that message.

OH WAIT HE JUST RESPONDED. haha, I'm so paranoid. *goes to read*


Dec. 6th, 2011 08:27 am
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my stomach is tore up. that's how you say it here in the south. tore up. it's anxiety. last night I had nightmares about the poetry presentation I have to give today, and I think I have to miss my last Algebra class because I shouldn't stray far from the toilet.

I feel awful. :(

ugh, I really need to go to that Algebra class.

send good thoughts?

also, mom felt the need to send me an email news article about 100 Orthodox rabbis and their same-sex declaration (hint: they're not for it). so it's like she's poking my religion and my queerness at the same time? not that I'm Orthodox. But mom seems to think that Orthodox Judaism is the best Judaism and ... idk how to explain it. I want to cry.
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I've been answering questions at 10Q for the holy days. Just some questions to spark reflection on the past year and inspiration for the next. You can choose to keep your answers private, which is what I'm doing, and they're emailed to you the following year.

The main thing I'm focusing on is my relationship with my mother. However, repairing a relationship isn't something one person can do on their own, and trying to do it two different ways doesn't work, either.


Meg is sick again today, and home from school. This time it's some kind of stomach thing. She's sleeping now.
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velveteen rabbi has some awesome thoughts on tisha b'av. very moving, very inspiring.

okay, I have closed all the 'bad' tabs. -- tumblr and gigposters, mainly, those are my weaknesses.

I am going to write something today if it kills me. my brain is a little crazy though. it doesn't help that the tv is on all day except when meg is napping.

watching sg-1.

can't get this song out of my head today:

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what do you do if you have no matzah for the table? as in, you had to order it because you live in bumfuck and it didn't come on time?

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I cut my hair and here's proof! )

my mom is mad at me. she says when I'm manic that it's hell.

I guess I should go to a salon tomorrow and see if they can make it more mom-friendly. on wednesday I'm going to meg's school and mom doesn't want to be embarrassed, I guess.

I feel much better than I did this morning, thanks to you guys, here and in IM.

also, I bought an interfaith haggadah. spending money you don't have is a symptom of bipolar, too. mania.

I told mom I bought it and now she's mad because I was supposed to buy a fan for meg's room. I forgot.

tell me something awesome?


Sep. 7th, 2010 10:16 am
green: a mother lion licking her cub (stock: mommy and cub)
tomorrow we're taking meg to the neurologist. her gait has gotten a lot worse lately and she's fallen many times. in case you don't know, meg has autism and cerebral palsy, causing her to walk on her toes. she wore AFOs (ankle-foot orthotics; braces) on her feet when she was younger, but they irritated her skin and dug into her calves. we decided to just let her toe walk as long as it didn't worsen. and for years it was fine, until lately she's started toeing in as she walks and dragging a foot slightly behind her as she takes a step. the CP is worsening, so she'll probably need extra PT (more than she gets at school) and new AFOs or similar. hopefully that will be the end of it.

she's also been tired a lot lately (sleeping maybe 15-17 hours out of 24 some days), but now that we know she had an infection, that might be why. we'll mention it to the doc and see what he says.


I probably won't post tomorrow, so for those of you who celebrate, Shana Tova! May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year.
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Y HALO THAR, FLIST! Or shall I call you my circle?

I am busy getting content together for [community profile] three_weeks_for_dw. So far I have some journal headers, my Mikeyway fic project, and a picspam in the making. I plan to make icons, more headers, and more picspammy stuff. Also, hopefully I'll finish my hurt/comfort Waycest fic soon and be able to post that.

Here's my plan for [community profile] three_weeks_for_dw: COMMENTING MORE. I have been trying to comment more at DW instead of LJ for awhile now, but I plan to step it up. POSTING CONTENT TO DW ONLY. That's pretty much what the fest is about, anyway. ADDING MORE PEOPLE TO MY DW CIRCLE. I've been doing this, but I'm sure there will be more awesome people I will find during the fest. FRIENDING MEME. Maybe. I want more bandom on DW. COMMENT FIC. I'm ... not quite working on my prompts yet, but I will!

What else, what else. If you are reading me on LJ, please remember that for about the next month or so I will be posting things at DW that are only here. So check often if you don't have a DW account. (or you could just get a DW account, add me to your circle, and go from there :D)

I have some new friends, so I am thinking of writing an ABOUT ME post. I might be confusing to new people, I'm not sure. I also want to write a WHY JUDAISM post, about what brought me to the religion and why it resonates with me.

My BADD post is done and ready to be posted on May 1st. It took a lot out of me writing it, but I think it is an important post that needed to be written, and while it sickens and angers me, I am glad I wrote it.

Are you participating in BADD?

Blogging Against Disablism Day

You don't have to write a post -- people who listen and learn are just as important.

And NEWS: I forgot to post this, but the hospital re-RE-scheduled Meg's tests (the flim-flamming bastards). We will be going in to Shands on Monday after all. Which means I will be AFK a lot, but I do have a hotel room with internet booked, so I will be around when I can be.
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When my boys went to live with their father, I stopped baking challah. It was a difficult time for me, and I just didn't have the mental or physical energy to continue the practice.

I miss it. I miss the mindfulness that comes from kneading the bread by hand, of turning a lump of gummy dough smooth and shiny. I miss waiting for it to rise, and then punching it down again.

I miss separating the challah and saying, "This is the challah," before wrapping it in foil to be burned in the oven. It seems like such a small thing, but it is a mitzvah, and it brings me closer to G-d and other Jews. Knowing others are doing the same thing on the same day gives me a great feeling of community, even though I live in a remote area.

I miss braiding the dough. I was so proud of myself when I learned to braid a six-strand challah, and looked at those first completed loaves with stars in my eyes. They were so beautiful!

I miss saying the ha-motzi blessing over the challah after it's uncovered. I miss salting it and taking that first bite.

So here I am saying that I am returning to the practice of baking challah. I will do it alone, and Meg and I will be the only ones eating it on Shabbat. I will miss things I had before when I baked challah -- my sons chattering to me while I kneaded the dough and then later eating it with gusto. But it is a return to a spiritual practice, and in a way a return to G-d.

If you're interested, here's my challah recipe:

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I picked this up via twitter: New bill would make conversion insufficient for Israeli citizenship

I am angry.

I have thought extensively about making aliyah, because part of being a Jew is having the choice, and I like having choices. Even though I've decided that aliyah isn't for me in the short run, I liked having that choice. I thought, perhaps, when I am old and gray, I might take advantage of the Law of Return. The choice is, to me, part and parcel of Jewish identity.

Now someone wants to take that away from me. It is saying, "You aren't a real Jew, and you never will be." It goes against halacha (Jewish law), which says a Jew is a Jew, whether he or she is born Jewish or converts.

I am angry. I am not yet a Jew, but I am converting. And when I have completed my conversion, I want the same opportunities as a born Jew. That is how it should be.

Please help by lending your voice.
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I went to the chiropractor yesterday and I'm going back again today. Yesterday I found out that what I thought was sciatica (shooting pain down my leg, ow) was really bursitis and I've had an inflamed muscle in my hip and thigh for years and didn't know what it was. Apparently with some exercises I can make it all better! I still have something wrong with my lower back though, and today when I go back I'm going to find out what my x-rays say about it and hopefully get a little relief.

In Jew classes I've been studying the three weeks, the destruction of the temples, and Tisha B'Av. I just finished reading a long commentary on Lamentations. Torah study is FUN, even when the subject matter is something like mourning.

The boys have been with me for the past two weeks. Jerry is supposed to pick them up today, but I don't know if he's actually going to or not. It's been fun. (and a little crazy) Adam has come over a lot and helped me with them. They actually listen to Adam. I don't know why they don't listen to me. :\

I applied to go back to college this fall. I am worried I won't get in because the last time I went my GPA was abysmal. I'm not talking about it much because it makes me nervous.

eta: OH AND. I haven't smoked in two weeks! \o/
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Okay, so the guy in Miami is a ripoff and his conversions aren't recognized by the majority of the Jewish community. I'm glad I found that out before I paid any money. HOWEVER, I met the most charming Israeli rabbi online who has agreed to help me convert -- for free! We had our first lesson last night. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know, but it was a good basis for our classes. We're doing them over Skype.

The rabbi -- Hillel -- is Masorti, which is the Israeli (and other countries that aren't the US and Canada) equivalent of the Conservative movement.

He told me to save the money I would have paid the other rabbi and save up for a trip to Israel. Which is scary and exciting.

We are not just talking about Jewish stuff, either. He's funny and absolutely charming. He's gotten pretty much my whole life story out of me and I've learned a lot about him, too. He's originally from Canada and made aliyah when he was 19. Like me, he's divorced and has three children. His kids live in Jerusalem. Hillel lives in Netanya and is a full-time pulpit rabbi to a large congregation.

Now that I've completely bored you...

Something is wrong with my cat's leg. She's dragging it and it appears to be broken or out of joint. We're taking her to the vet today. :(
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I had a good conversation on the phone with my rabbi today. (he's no longer A rabbi but MY rabbi) It went very well. He was very enthusiastic about my conversion and helpful. There are only two slots open for the conversion class, so I'm getting in under the wire. I'm very excited.

Andrew will not be coming tomorrow, which is a bummer. He's going to be going to Atlanta instead, talking to an Orthodox rabbi about converting. He says it's something that's important to him. He converted Reform three years ago but he feels like something is missing. I wish him all the best on his path.

Of course the rabbi asked the very broad question: "Why do you want to convert?" It's extremely hard to put into a few words when there are SO MANY reasons why, and so many things that attract me. I explained that I've been on the conversion path for two years and gave a shortish answer that seemed to be enough for him.

In related news, I've gone back to vegetarianism.
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I contacted another rabbi today about conversion. Waiting to hear back from him. I've waited 2 years to see if wanting to convert is just a passing thing or if the feelings would get stronger, and it appears that I'm in it for life.

I'm meeting with Andrew (the study partner) in person on Monday. He's coming down from Auburn, AL to visit me. He is in the early stages of becoming a rabbi. He's into the Renewal movement, which is feminist and queer friendly. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.


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