the magic circle

Posted by Evan Hurst

https://www.wonkette.com/p/sounds-like-kristi-noems-husband

Former DHS Secretary/current Official Ladywoman of the Shield of the Wizard Council of the Upper and Lower Americas (real job) Kristi Noem might be divorcing her husband soon, we reckon, if we had to guess, but not because of ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF RUMORS that she’s been humping blankies with Corey Lewandowski forfuckingever and will never stop.

The Daily Mail is out with a scoop big enough to fill out an F-cup, precisely that Bryon Noem, husband of Kristi — you know, the guy who sits behind her while Democratic Rep. Sydney Kamlager-Dove asks her questions about how many times she’s placed her vagina on Corey Lewandowski — gets his kicks on dressing up like he has great big boobies like a Barbie doll, and going on the internet to talk sexytime with ladies who also have great big boobies like a Barbie doll. It is this whole “bimbofication” fetish. They have big Barbie boobies together! They are booby ladies, and Bryon Noem is a booby lady!

And he’s basically confirmed it, so we guess we can tuck these “allegedlys” away somewhere safe, as we won’t be needing quite so many of them in this post.

If you know a teenage boy or full-grown adult who likes boobyknocker jokes, you ought to go get them for this:

Kristi Noem’s husband is today revealed as a secret crossdresser who dons gigantic fake breasts and pink hotpants to chat with online fetish models.

NO KINK-SHAMING.

It’s just that while his wife was doing important things to keep the homeland safe posing for Nazi Barbie Instagram shoots, Bryon was on the internet talking to busty ladies, while putting big balloons and other booby substitutes up his shirt to make it look like he, Bryon, also had great big boobies. He is reportedly into “3000cc-plus boobs,” according to one of the models. (Them’s some big fake hoodly-hoots!)

The Daily Mail has reviewed hundreds of messages involving three women from the ‘bimbofication’ scene – where porn performers transform themselves into real-life Barbie dolls by pumping colossal amounts of saline into their breasts.

Bryon has lavished praise on their surgically-enhanced bodies, confessed his lust for ‘huge, huge ridiculous boobs,’ and even made indiscreet remarks about his 34-year marriage to former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi, our investigation can exclusively disclose.

Awesome.

National Security experts consulted by the Daily Mail say his brazen behavior could have left the 54-year-old MAGA favorite, who oversaw ICE’s aggressive crackdown until she was removed from her position on March 5, vulnerable to blackmail.

Oh now come on, let’s be fair. We are pretty sure there’s much more about Kristi Noem that left her vulnerable to foreign intelligence services, no need to scapegoat poor Bryon Boobyknockers over here.

Like, for instance, if a spy got a hold of her humping blanket.

Then they’d have Corey Lewandowski’s DNA!

Allegedly!

More details:

In a selfie shared with one of his online contacts, Bryon, an insurance mogul, can be seen squeezing into a flesh-colored crop-top and skintight pink shorts.

The rugged father-of-three appears to have stuffed two balloons inside his shirt to resemble breasts – positioning the knots to mimic nipples.

Yay! You ready for this? Can you even handle this?

OK, not the best nippling we’ve ever seen, but to be fair, we don’t think he’s seen his wife’s nips in a while. Look how he mugs for the camera, though, just like her!

To a woman he sent those types of pictures to, he said, “You turn me into a girl” and asked, “Should I put on leggings?” Another woman said she asked him about the whole rumor about his wife repeatedly fucking Corey Lewandowski right on his privates. He said, “I know. There's nothing I can do about it.”

Hey, isn’t it kinda weird that Kristi Noem and the rest of her Republican pals are such vile, evil anti-trans, anti-drag queen scumbags, considering stuff like this where Kristi Noem’s husband Bryon is dressing himself up as a big booby lady on the internet and presumably using it to make orgasm?

Does it suggest that the things these people fight hardest against are the very things they’re most violently trying to kill off within themselves?

Oh well, let’s not dwell on it! Ha ha!

More:

Another photo shows the rancher and businessman wearing figure-hugging green leggings and a white top stretched over two bulging orbs.

Remarkably, Bryon’s face is clearly visible in both images.

He pouts playfully at the camera, seemingly unconcerned that his online activity could pose security implications for his wife’s position at the heart of the Trump administration.

How very dare Bryon put Very Serious Kristi Noem’s Very Serious National Security Job at risk like that!

According to the report, Booby ladies were always asking Bryon for money, and he did send money, to the tune of more than $25,000 bucks, which we can only imagine he found underneath his great big boobies.

Want another Bryon Noem booby shot, this time with more crotch?

So anyway, as we said, Bryon Noem has basically confirmed this to the Daily Mail.

When Daily Mail reached Bryon by telephone he did not deny having explicit conversations or sharing photos of himself dressed as a woman.

It was also put to him that he had made indiscreet comments about his wife and could have endangered national security by exposing her to the threat of blackmail.

‘Yeah, I made no comments like that, that would lead to that,’ Bryon replied. ‘I deny the second part of that.’

Which might be valid, because his wife and the little Hitler she works for — even in the made-up make-work job she has now — are greater threats to national security than anything Bryon Noem could do sitting on the internet playing bimbo wearing a brand new pair of hot pink Pair Of Thieves boxer-briefs from Target with a bunch of balloons stolen from a clown at a child’s birthday party stuffed up his shirt.

Mere weeks ago, the New York Post was reporting that Bryon Noem was staying with Kristi despite how she allegedly has been fucking Corey Lewandowski for years, right in his face essentially, because of his deep Christian faith and how seriously he takes his wedding vows. Now, we find ourselves suspecting that he might have been getting off on this cuckification situation, at least in some form or fashion. Really, a lot about their marriage suddenly makes more sense.

Speaking of their marriage, poor Kristi, a known liar and ALLEGED adulteress, says through her spox that she is “devastated,” and that “[t]he family was blindsided by this. They ask for privacy and prayers at this time.”

Let us pray:

Heavenly Jesus Father God, please protect Bryon’s big pretend balloon boobies. Wouldn’t want one of them dang things to pop mid-stroke. That kinda thing could put somebody’s eye out!

Let us now to be remembering this Corey Lewandowski quote about Kristi Noem’s boobies:

Lewandowski apparently is not shy about referring to Noem in intimate terms, as another source recalled him speaking last year about the need to find apparel for the secretary that would flatter a woman with, in Lewandowski’s words, “big tits.”

That was from the original New York Post article about Corey firing the pilot for losing Kristi’s humping blanket. Is it relevant to this story? Well, you tell us, but it sounds like Kristi Noem’s great big boobies haven’t been home very much lately, or at least not in any home she’s historically shared with her lawfully wedded husband Tits McGee.

In conclusion, how very wow this all is!

And how refreshing to just have a good old-fashioned wholesome story about a white straight Republican Christian man who likes to pretend he has great big boobies like Barbie while his wife who is Nazi Barbie is in the sky on airplanes (allegedly!) fucking another man.

America might just survive this fascist moment yet!

OPEN THREAD.

[Daily Mail archive link / New York Post]

Want to read more Evan than just what’s at Wonkette? Visit The Moral High Ground and subscribe to it!

Follow me on Instagram!

And on BlueSky!

And on Facebook!

Here, a LinkTree!

Share

Want to donate just once?

https://www.wonkette.com/p/sounds-like-kristi-noems-husband