needing hugs rn

[green]

I had to call a suicide hotline. I haven't had to do that in awhile (a couple of years, the last time ending in me going away for awhile) and it was not really all that helpful. I am paranoid at the moment and kept feeling like the dude was rolling his eyes at me and/or not really taking me seriously. I really just want somebody to actually care. is that selfish or like, attention seeking? at the same time I feel incredibly guilty for feeling suicidal for a number of reasons. like I really don't have the right to want to kill myself. that's... stupid, right?

basically I feel like it's never going to get better but I have to just live through hell because I am not allowed to inconvenience anyone through dying.

so while the first post was heavily filtered and didn't say much about stuff, this one is wide open and honest and I just want some friends to say they love me.

Comments

[loligo]

I am so sorry that things are so hard right now - glad to hear today is a bit better. I have so much respect for you, and I hope that some of your challenges get easier to bear. (I'll light a candle for you, if that's okay?)

[green]

that is very okay. thank you.