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I just left a comment to someone using the words 'when I suffered from PTSD...' like I no longer suffer. And for most intents and purposes, I don't.
I no longer have nightmares, or jump when someone touches me, or freak out when someone comes behind me while I'm doing the dishes. Some of the specific triggers like tan or gray uniforms no longer affect me in the same way. (I notice the uniform and kind of focus on it intently and think about it for hours after, but I no longer FLIP THE FUCK OUT.) I don't know if the smell of engine grease still freaks me out, I have avoided it a lot.
But...
I still get triggered by things I had no idea were triggers until BAM! it hits me. Mostly emotional things now. Got triggered a few weeks ago while roleplaying. Had no idea the thing in question was a trigger, have only the vaguest idea WHY and how it was related to my trauma. Thankfully, I did not go into hypervigilance like usual. That's horrible.
(If you don't understand hypervigilance, imagine you're in a dark alley and someone coming towards you with a knife, and you back up, only to back right into someone behind you, blocking you in. That jump, that fear, is what someone who is hypervigilant might feel with every noise. Every sense is in overdrive. It's like your body is this super fearful, alert organism you have to live within, possibly for days. Tense doesn't even begin to cover how this feels. Sleep? No. Food? Probably not. It's like regular anxiety turned up to 11. And if you're luck enough to have mental illness also, it will fuck with your cycles and either make you manic or dip you down deep into a depression. Suicidal ideation is common.
At least, that's my experience with it. I don't speak for every survivor.)
So I still get triggered. I still have PTSD symptoms. But I can usually talk about it as if it's in the past.
I just had to take this post to acknowledge, to myself and whoever is reading this, that I'm not 'over it' completely.
I no longer have nightmares, or jump when someone touches me, or freak out when someone comes behind me while I'm doing the dishes. Some of the specific triggers like tan or gray uniforms no longer affect me in the same way. (I notice the uniform and kind of focus on it intently and think about it for hours after, but I no longer FLIP THE FUCK OUT.) I don't know if the smell of engine grease still freaks me out, I have avoided it a lot.
But...
I still get triggered by things I had no idea were triggers until BAM! it hits me. Mostly emotional things now. Got triggered a few weeks ago while roleplaying. Had no idea the thing in question was a trigger, have only the vaguest idea WHY and how it was related to my trauma. Thankfully, I did not go into hypervigilance like usual. That's horrible.
(If you don't understand hypervigilance, imagine you're in a dark alley and someone coming towards you with a knife, and you back up, only to back right into someone behind you, blocking you in. That jump, that fear, is what someone who is hypervigilant might feel with every noise. Every sense is in overdrive. It's like your body is this super fearful, alert organism you have to live within, possibly for days. Tense doesn't even begin to cover how this feels. Sleep? No. Food? Probably not. It's like regular anxiety turned up to 11. And if you're luck enough to have mental illness also, it will fuck with your cycles and either make you manic or dip you down deep into a depression. Suicidal ideation is common.
At least, that's my experience with it. I don't speak for every survivor.)
So I still get triggered. I still have PTSD symptoms. But I can usually talk about it as if it's in the past.
I just had to take this post to acknowledge, to myself and whoever is reading this, that I'm not 'over it' completely.
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Also, my sincere sympathies. *offers hugs*
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