hope is the thing with feathers

green @ 2026-01-21T15:20:00

2026-01-21T21:22:13Z

I was already having a baaad day and now I just found out that Meg's neurologist isn't going to see her anymore. She's been going to him for 20 years. I keep crying ugh

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green @ 2024-12-24T11:24:00

2024-12-24T17:33:50Z

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

There's a hymn I used to sing in church as a kid that I keep remembering this line from: I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.

~~My bank account is overdrawn about -250.00 right now. my Paypal is here if you can/want to help. But that is not the reason for this post.~~ (edit: I am looking better financially now thanks to some very wonderful friends and readers.)

I am just so depressed. I know the seasonal sads have a lot to do with it, but it's also being away from my sons (one doesn't speak to me and has started being verbally abusive to my mom so that's going 'great' places soon) (the other one is stuck in Texas for the time being and can't come to Christmas here). My daughter turned 29 yesterday and I'm just worn out from taking care of her. I love her so much. But I am tired.

My mom is getting older and less able to help around the house and also now I'm helping her more than myself anymore.

I was doing better but between the holiday and the financial problems, the depression came back and hit me in the face. And the backs of my knees. And my spine.

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green @ 2023-08-05T11:16:00

2023-08-05T16:21:59Z

thanks to people being very kind and chipping in, I was able to get more groceries today and I was able to buy a few packs of pull-ups for Meg in the brand/size/style that actually works for her. maybe before they are gone, her support coordinator will have this mess fixed and she can get them the way she's supposed to, with Medicaid paying.

but omg, thank you thank you thank you

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green @ 2022-04-24T09:55:00

2022-04-24T15:01:06Z

We started Meg on a new seizure med this past week. So far, so good. I haven't seen any big difference but the side effects aren't crummy either.

Instead of writing, woe, I've been playing video games almost nonstop. Tiny Tina's Wonderlands is SO FUN.

I am broke and have no money for gas or food this week. Um. Halp? Just ten bucks or so would go a long way. I need about
150 total. https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/yogibogeybox

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Happy Birthday Meghan! (plus icon request post here)

2018-12-23T13:49:35Z

Today is Meg's 23rd birthday.

I made a cake. It's chocolate with peanut butter frosting. All from scratch because those are the best.

I haven't heard more from my ex yet, so I'm assuming he'll get over his plague soon and bring my boy to me.

Thank you so much for the paypal & ko-fi you guys sent my way, it's going toward me having a good holiday with my family. I don't quite have enough yet to pay for the gas and hotel, but I'm getting there.

OH OH OH

I keep seeing people either new to Dreamwidth or newly returned to DW asking about where to get icons. There are some active icons communities here like icons and fandom_icons plus some icon challenge communities - iconthat for one. BUT...

Leave me a nice pic (please nothing blurry or too small) and I will make you an icon. Or two or three. Happy holidays!

EDIT: you don't have to be in my circle to request icons. If you're seeing this on your Network page, it's fine to leave a comment/pic/request.

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update on my liiiiiife

2017-05-24T15:24:00Z

I'm doing pretty well. The medications I'm on have been good. I'm finally scheduled to see someone about my back.

DJ still isn't talking to me, but he graduated on Sunday. I was able to watch via live feed. He's signed up to go into the Air Force for 6 years. They want him for NASA or intelligence, they told him. I don't know if we can trust them, but I guess we'll see.

I miss him a lot.

My relationship with Zachary is really good though. We talk all the time, text and Facetime, and I try to support him no matter what his current passion is. It was drawing for awhile, which I could really get behind, but now he seems to be leaning more toward... gardening? I don't even know.

Meg was falling down a lot until we got to the doctor and he figured out it was vertigo from allergies. We got her on a new antihistamine and she's stopped falling.

As for me, other than the YAY MEDS working, I've been writing a lot. Unfortunately, everything I write is super long so I'm not actually posting much.

I probably left a lot out, so if you have a question just ask. I'd love some interaction.

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to do list

2014-12-13T04:45:46Z

tis the season to be a financial ruin
-buy one more thing for zach so he gets more than 2 books
-buy a bday gift for meg (no idea what)
-food, and lots of it

fannish
-finish installing vid editing programs
-organize pinboard (tag bundles, retag and add tags)
-post those last few old S/X fics to AO3
-do more with recs tumblr
-write moar & whine less about Inception fic

non-fannish hobbies
-organize recipes on pinboard
-do more with food tumblr
-come up with a plan of attack for downloaded but unread books and comics

(list currently under construction)

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green @ 2014-11-05T08:21:00

2014-11-05T14:33:15Z

good morning!

I need to post here more often. last night I was backreading some of my circle's posts and saw several bemoaning the shift of fandom to Tumblr and how after the move to LJ some of us were not-quite-comfy with all the new info (posts about our cats and plants and bodily functions...) but now it's gone in the opposite direction and there's very little of the personal now. And how it's harder to make new fannish friends. I think it's not harder, it's just different. But I also would like to hang out here more often and interact with my circle more. But that's on ME. I don't spend a lot of time on Tumblr but I don't spend a lot of time on DW or LJ, either. The majority of my interactions happen via IM nowadays, but because of my various anxieties, I'm only chatting with 3 people on a regular basis: majoline, calystarose, and limnetic. I don't really feel comfortable with anyone else anymore. :\ But I think I'm better with interactions on DW and LJ. And I recently joined ushobwri and am trying to comment there and be a real part of that community, though it's way outside what's become my comfort zone.

gotta go. we're taking meg to get her new AFOs today. they have stars! current ones have butterflies and I think the stars are a little more 'grown up'. :)

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green @ 2014-01-17T08:58:00

2014-01-17T15:04:36Z

taking meg to get her casts off later today.

I think I'm getting sick.

also, the whole back pain thing is getting REALLY OLD.

other than Leverage, I am without a fandom at the moment. it's an unsteady, uncomfortable, unstable feeling. it also means I am more likely/vulnerable to be pulled into new fandoms... so if you were waiting for the right moment to pull out your biggest guns, now would be the time.

but I'm playing Fallout: New Vegas at the moment.

(I still have unanswered comments in my inbox and a bunch of snowflake days to do. will get to them eventually.)

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OH RIGHT

2013-12-24T00:02:20Z

TODAY IS MEG'S 18TH BIRTHDAY AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO POST TO CELEBRATE THAT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MEGHAN!

(oh, my mood is not about the birthday thing but rather the 'boys are loud and I'm going out of my head' thing)

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tmi of the poop variety

2013-12-06T23:43:43Z

( Read more... )

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from meg's school newsletter:

2013-10-25T22:22:42Z

We have had several planned and unplanned fire drills this year. The red box on the lunchroom wall is just toooo tempting for some students. During Fire Prevention week, we had another planned fire drill practice. I think we have it down now!

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green @ 2013-10-11T07:48:00

2013-10-11T12:56:13Z

1. taking meg back to the orthopedist today. not the 2 1/2 hour drive place, but to the 1 hr drive clinic he attends. thank goodness it's the shorter distance one. I haven't been sleeping well and driving to frickin' PENSACOLA was not going to happen today.

2. sleep? pfft.

3. pain! it is not cold yet (the weather here is actually quite nice for a change) nor is it raining. but my back feels like I'm in the middle of a hurricane. and it's not just in one spot, either. it's ... ugh. everywhere. back and spine and hip and legs. :( still not so bad that I want to risk scary surgery, though. but that's just me being a wuss, I think.

4. pain pills! not only does Percocet make me itch uncontrollably, but it's giving me insomnia all of a sudden. this is a relatively new side effect for me.

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green @ 2013-09-15T12:10:00

2013-09-15T17:19:59Z

seriously, the whole nonverbal kid thing is fine and dandy. it's normal. after 17 (almost 18!) years of being meg's mom, I am totally used to picking up on facial expressions and occasional babble noises. she's almost always happy and good natured, and I do recognize that we've been blessed in that way.

but sometimes she cries. sometimes she cries for absolutely no apparent reason, and that's when I feel completely helpless.

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green @ 2013-04-19T13:34:00

2013-04-19T18:44:39Z

got the paperwork today: mom and I are officially guardian advocates for meg. \o/ (this is a weird thing we had to do in order to keep control of meg's medical decisions and the like once she turns 18) there are still some classes we have to go to, and we have to do some kind of report every year about what meg's doing and what we're doing for her, but that's cool.

my back huuuuuuuurts. it's raining today. that's probably why.

last night I slept like crap. woke up at 4am and was up for awhile. went back to bed around 6am and slept until 8:30. strange happenings.

I am conflicted over whether or not to go through with my werewolfbigbang fic. it's idfic and I'm not sure if I want others to read it. it's... not that good.

the good news is that the rough draft is done and I can send it in if I decide to. I have one other fic I could possibly send in (instead of the idfic) if I wrote about 5k more words on it in order to have it finished enough for rough draft submission. I dunno if I can, since my writing mojo is virtually gone for the time being.

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green @ 2013-04-09T11:23:00

2013-04-09T16:25:07Z

THIS JUST IN: AWESOME THINGS COST MONEY SOMETIMES. Please, if you can, donate to the OTW.

( some whining about birthdays and trigger warning for body image shit in which I call myself names and talk about unhealthy eating practices/starving/bingeing )

We're going to court this afternoon to get guardianship of Meg. It shouldn't take long, but we have to lug the wheelchair around because there's poor parking at the courthouse and Meg can't walk that far.

I'm writing. It's coming along really well. My Awake fusion (which is sorta like the Watches 'verse in Sherlock fandom? but different) has plot now. I know where it's going. I just ... am having trouble getting there. But I will prevail! :D?

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wheeee! kudos! and 12 things about me, might be triggery under the cut.

2012-12-14T17:49:55Z

My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. ( some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )

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green @ 2012-12-07T18:59:00

2012-12-08T01:06:57Z

1. I added some people to my circle from the DW friending meme. They are all TW people. \o/ Hi new people!

2. Went to Meg's holiday program at her school today. It was ace.

3. Am almost done with my Dragon Big Bang! Well, I'm in the middle of the climax, and then I'll have some more stuff to write but then I'll be DONE, BABYYYYYYYY!

4. Saw Adam today! He looks good. Happy.

...that is all for now.

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green @ 2012-12-04T18:17:00

2012-12-05T00:32:34Z

my dragon big bang is now affectionately called "OMG WHERE DID THAT PLOT TWIST COME FROM?" and is about 14,200 words long and growing by the day.

did I mention I'm supposed to be going back to school? if everything works out and I don't freak too badly, I'll be starting back January 7th. I have mixed feelings. Last time I went to school I lost touch with fannishness and didn't write anything or make icons or art or anything like that. :(

speaking of art, I downloaded inkscape. now, I'm an Illustrator girl, but this wee computer won't tolerate Illy. so i'm giving inkscape a try. hmmmm. let's see what I come up with. I have Sterek art planned. \o/? but first I have to relearn an entirely new program with different features, extra features, and in some cases less features. I'm going to be going through some basic tutorials in order to learn, which is how I learned Illy. Tuts+ has a slew of Illy tutorials but precious few for Inkscape. I don't know, you guys. NEW GROUND TO COVER.

so. writing. school. art. um, what else?

well, an update on meg, I guess. she's not doing too well. we keep juggling her meds hoping a new cocktail or different dosages will somehow jar her out of this seizure problem of hers, but since she's been having them for fifteen years, our hopes aren't too high. it's been almost a year since she got worse and while she's gained a little ground since we changed back to the original neurologist, she's still having two types of seizures -- one where she drops her head, drools, and shakes, and the other where she contorts and grunts. they're definitely seizures and have been caught on EEG and marked as such, so yeah. and it's just the meds we have as an option; the other options most people with intractable epilepsy have just aren't for meg. (please don't state your case for the diet or the VNS or surgery. we know the options and have weighed them against meg's happiness and well-being for YEARS.)

ugh, well, that was fun.

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spewage

2012-10-04T16:56:41Z

am doing much better! no more 'omg wanna die' thoughts, which is a good thing.

I've been devouring Teen Wolf fic. I have so many thoughts about this but getting them down might be hard, since I can't concentrate too well. I can concentrate enough to read, though. yay!

making peanut butter pie later today. mmm.

not that long ago, one of my teeth broke because it was ROTTEN. but yesterday I got it fixed/filled. the dentist said there was a 50/50 chance of it giving me major problems after the filling, but so far so good. mom paid. it is my xmas present.

I am worried that xmas will suck for the boys. also, zach's birthday, which is december 17th. but it's nothing I can do anything about so I'm not going to stress too badly. yet. (holidays are not about presents, but presents are nice and ... let's face it, they are expected, and also I am really embarrassed when I can't buy my kids presents)

last night I dreamed about my grandmother and my daughter living in the same nursing home. I guess I've been thinking about the possibility of meg going into group care. not soon, but one day. I can't take care of her forever. I would like my own life eventually, but thinking about it makes me feel so selfish and petty. and now I am crying. wtf.

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green @ 2012-05-28T16:05:00

2012-05-28T21:17:34Z

meg is doing better with the change of meds. well, mostly. today she's not so good. crying a lot. :\

I've been doing nothing but reading fic since I finished The End of Sorrow. I'd rather be writing. I love fic, and it's good to be able to read again (for so long I couldn't concentrate on it), but I'd rather be creating something.

Agoraphobia sucks.

I have another MRI tomorrow. My neck, this time.

That's all, I think.

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green @ 2012-04-24T10:01:00

2012-04-24T15:10:42Z

Had a dream that MCR was playing a tiny secret show at Taco Bell. I got there and was really close to them, but suddenly they started playing a song I didn't know! And I was like 'ooh, new song!' but then everyone else was singing along and I felt so left out and confused.

But then I got to lick Gerard's neck and it was okay.

***

I have a thousand words of a new fic that should be done in a few days. It's an auction fic and I really like it.

***

Had to pick Meg up from school yesterday because of all the seizures she was having. She's home today. She goes to see her regular neurologist next week. Hopefully he can undo whatever harm has been done to her by the new, incompetent neuro.

***

I'll make locked post soon about my sex life. I know you can't wait for that. :P

***

I don't know why this mood icon is supposed to be 'stressed' (here on DW, I mean). Bros do not look stressed to me.

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green @ 2012-04-19T11:18:00

2012-04-19T16:34:12Z

Good news! My weird neurological symptoms are caused by a vitamin deficiency.

Also, I got tested for diabetes and am waiting for the results. It will take a couple of days, might not be until Monday or Tuesday. It's a possibility that this is why I'm thirsty and pee all the time. /tmi

Meg has asthma on top of the seizures now.

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green @ 2011-12-05T15:42:00

2011-12-05T21:59:34Z

can't decide whether I want chicken tacos or ground turkey tacos. def want to make tacos, though.

dear december: you suck.

meg got sick again today like she has the three other times in the past few months -- lethargic, pale, clammy, can't walk. took her to the doctor. doctor ordered blood work, but otherwise doesn't know what's up.

wednesday meg has an mri. on the 22nd, she's going in the hospital for tests for a few days. I start PT on thursday. I have finals next week. I am so stressed. meanwhile, mom is nuttier than usual.

and I can't decide what kind of tacos I want to eat.

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green @ 2011-10-11T07:30:00

2011-10-11T12:32:47Z

it's still raining. it was raining yesterday and it's raining today.

meg is ill. her legs aren't doing too well. no idea what is wrong with her. since the doc could only say it's 'probably something neurological, maybe' the last time, we're not taking her to the ER again.

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