green: (Default)
green ([personal profile] green) wrote2009-05-16 10:09 pm
Entry tags:

Fic: How to Win Friends and Influence Vulcans

Title: How to Win Friends and Influence Vulcans
Author: Green
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Kirk/Spock (friendship)
Rating: G
Summary: Having a best friend who didn't know he was your best friend was frustrating. That did not, however, deter Kirk.
Notes: Beta'd by [personal profile] fox1013


Meeting someone from the future was exciting. Kirk liked exciting. He liked knowing things. Of course, he knew a lot already, but this was different. Knowing that an old Vulcan man considered you one of his greatest -- if not his greatest -- friend was pretty awesome. The only kink in the reality was that it hadn't happened yet. Kirk had a best friend except... not.

Having a best friend who didn't know he was your best friend was frustrating. That did not, however, deter Kirk.

"Do you like chess?" he asked Spock. Kirk knew the Vulcan liked chess because he'd been spying on him for weeks, but he made the question as mild and innocent as possible.

"...Yes," Spock said. If Kirk didn't know better, he would have sworn the other man was feeling a human emotion called ~suspicion~, but Kirk might have been projecting.

"Great!" Kirk said brightly. "How 'bout we play a game tonight? In my quarters."

"...That is acceptable," Spock answered.

"Great!" Kirk said again. "I'll see you then. After dinner?"

Spock blinked slowly and nodded. "I will be there."

This was going to go splendidly. Kirk was psyched.

The thing with Kirk was... well, if he did say so himself, there was nothing he couldn't do, and do well, if he didn't put his mind to it. He was great at everything. Another thing was that he loved a challenge. If someone had said, "I bet you can't do this!" Kirk immediately stood up and took notice right before plunging in with both feet. He usually came out of these challenges slightly bloody and bruised, but victorious.

And becoming friends with Spock was a challenge. They had history. They had animosity. They had very little in common, as far as Kirk was concerned, but that just made the challenge better.

"I'm going to do this," Kirk muttered to himself.

"What was that, Captain?" Spock asked over the table. He'd just finished moving a rook into a rather tricky place. "Do what?"

"Kick your ass at chess," Kirk said, studying the board.

"I would not count on that particular outcome if I were you, Captain."

Kirk scratched his head several moves later when he finally saw the trap. He promptly decided to just let Spock win, for the greater good.

"Checkmate," Spock said.

Kirk waved his hand. A rematch was a good excuse to spend more time with Spock. It was rather clever, really. His subconscious mind must have thought it up while he was preoccupied with the game.

"Go again?" Kirk asked, setting up the board. "Two out of three?"

Spock did not look doubtful. He didn't look enthused. That damned impassive face was hard to read. "I suppose..."

"Care to make it interesting?" Kirk said suggestively. He didn't mean to make his voice sound suggestive, it just did that sometimes.

"If you are attempting to seduce me, Captain, I must respectfully decline," Spock said.

Kirk blushed. "Call me Jim. And if I was trying to get in your pants, you'd know it."

Spock raised his eyebrow while keeping the rest of his face completely still. The effect was nearly terrifying. "As you say."

"What I meant," Kirk said, "was do you want to make a little wager?"

"I am not in the habit of gambling," Spock replied mildly.

"You don't have to make a habit of it. I'm sure that's under the heading of 'illogical'. Just a little bet this time."

"What do you suggest?"

Shit. What did he suggest? "If I win, you teach me that little trap you just set for me. The one with the rook."

Spock nodded. "That is acceptable. And if I win?" The words were right, but Kirk heard a faint WHEN I win? that he was sure was just his imagination.

"Oh. Um. What do you want?"

Spock didn't say anything. He appeared to be deep in thought.

"I'll make dinner for you?" Kirk ventured. Either way, Kirk would be spending more time with Spock, therefore furthering his agenda. Sometimes his own brilliance astounded him.

"Very well," Spock finally said.

Two days later, Kirk was serving dinner in Spock's own quarters. He'd made his specialty (and the only thing he really knew how to make, although if he'd put his mind to it he could have done something else, of course): spaghetti and meatballs.

"I am a vegetarian," Spock said.

"Of course you are," Kirk grumbled. He should have KNOWN that about his best friend. He recovered quickly and cheerfully offered, "Garlic bread?"

Spock cut it with a knife and fork. It seemed Vulcans didn't eat with their hands, either.

Kirk sighed, wracking his brain for suitable conversation. Finally he blurted, "So, you and Uhura, huh?"

Spock paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. "Lieutenant Uhura and I what, Captain?"

"I told you before, it's Jim," Kirk said. "And you know..." You're banging her and I'd like a piece of THAT both seemed a little too crude.

Spock seemed to straighten even more in his chair, if that was possible. "I do not know, which is why I asked." The sentence was mild, but there might have been an undercurrent. A way under undercurrent.

"You know," Kirk repeated weakly, and waggled his eyebrows. "Go you."

"Ah. You are attempting to convey comraderie by complimenting my choice of mate."

"Yes!" Kirk said, maybe a little too loudly. He pumped his fist slightly, but it was mostly under the table where Spock couldn't possibly see. "That's it exactly!"

"Ah," Spock said again. Whatever that meant. He chewed on a piece of bread and ignored the wine in front of him. Maybe he was more of a beer guy.

"So..." Kirk said. What would interest Spock? "How about them phaser arrays? Pretty cool, huh?"

"Are you speaking of phaser arrays in general or the phaser arrays on the Enterprise, Captain?"

"Ours," Kirk said, slightly miffed. Of course he was talking about the Enterprise. It was the best ship ever.

"They are indispensable," Spock said. His face was a different shape of stoic. Kirk could almost imagine it looked puzzled. He nodded.


The conversation went on like this for an hour. By the time Kirk left Spock's quarters, he was so busy trying to figure out if he was making headway that he didn't even notice the time.

That night, Kirk had a dream about Spock. When he woke, he had no idea what it was about. He only had the vague feeling of frustration and discomfort.

Chess continued. Kirk kept asking him over, and Spock kept accepting. That had to be a good sign, Kirk thought.

One night, Spock looked a little more stiff than usual. Kirk decided that, as Spock's best friend, he needed to get to the bottom of it. Kirk asked if Spock was having problems with work. No dice. Was it Spock's father? A little bit of the old family issues? Spock replied that this was definitely not the case. Which, in Kirk's experience, left only one option.

"Girl trouble?" Kirk asked. "You and Uhura on the outs?"

If possible, Spock got stiffer. Kirk inwardly cheered. Not because of Uhura - he thought the two of them made a cute couple - but because this - THIS - was what he had been waiting for. This was something best friends did.

"I've got scotch, brandy, and beer. Want a drink?"

Spock respectfully declined.

"Hmph. Well, lay it on me," Kirk said.

"Pardon?" Spock asked.

"Your woes," Kirk said slowly. "Tell me your woes. What put you in the dog house?"

"I have no comment," Spock said.

"Oh, c'mon. I give great relationship advice!" Kirk said. Of course, he'd never been in what one would call a relationship, but he did know women. He knew a LOT of women.

"I do not think-" Spock said. Sputtered, almost, but Spock never sputtered so that wasn't right. "That is, I am not-"

"Did you say her uniform made her ass look fat? Because I can teach you a way around that," Kirk said. "Does she want you to get along better with her friends? Did she call you a commitment-phobe? Is it because-"

"NO!" Spock said. Loudly. Kirk smirked to himself. Best friend or not, he loved getting a rise out of Spock.

"Then what is it?"

"Nyota has expressed her displeasure at my absence during the past few weeks," Spock said slowly, as if he was drawing each word carefully from his mouth.

"Ohhh, because of our boys' nights? Gotcha," Kirk said with a wink. Women did this a lot. He should have seen it coming. "Women want us to spend all our time with them, but then they get bitchy if they see too much of us."

"I have not experienced this particular phenomenon."

"Then you don't know women very well. Tell me the truth now," Kirk said seriously, leaning in. "Is she your first real girlfriend?"

"I do not see how this is a relevant-"

"Uh huh," Kirk said, cutting him off. "Well, if you know women like I know women, you know you have to nip this kind of thing in the bud."

"And how, exactly, do you know women?"

"In the biblical sense, Spock. Lots and lots of women. I'm not bragging or anything, I'm just letting you know."

"It would seem to me that having... that knowing women does not give you the kind of experience-"

"What you need to do is tell her you want a little time to think things out. Take a break."

"A break from what?" Spock asked.

"You know. Her. Your relationship. Believe me, after a few weeks she'll be begging you to take her back -- without all the nagging."

Spock stared at him. "That is unnecessarily dishonest, completely illogical, and -- quite frankly -- abhorrent."

That hurt.

"It is the worst advice I have ever heard," Spock went on.

Kirk felt his face crumple a little. "Hey, I give great advice."

"Captain, I respectfully disagree."

Which was fine. Really. Best friends were allowed to disagree. And not take advice, even if it was fantastic advice, thank you very much.

"Get her flowers," Kirk mumbled, then warmed to the idea. "Women like flowers. And take her someplace nice."

Spock nodded and moved his rook. Kirk looked at the board and groaned silently. He hadn't been paying attention, and now he recognized the same old trap - the one he had no idea how to get out of.

After being soundly beaten, Kirk grinned. "Up for another?"

"Not tonight," Spock said. "I have to see someone about the flowers."

"Tomorrow night?" Kirk asked hopefully.

"Our mission to Orion starts tomorrow," Spock pointed out.

"I knew that," Kirk said, even though he'd forgotten entirely. "I'm the Captain, after all."

The next day, the Enterprise tangled with pirates, and Kirk ripped his uniform. It was shaping up to be an adventure. Kirk got into a fistfight with one pirate, while another took on Spock. Kirk was absolutely sure Spock would be fine. He wasn't worried at all.

Until, out of nowhere, a phase blast hit Spock in the shoulder and sent him reeling. That, Kirk thought fiercely, was just not on. No one hurt his best friend and got away with it.

Kirk punched his attacker out cold, then went for his weapon. He fired in the direction the phase blast had come from, then heroically stood in front of Spock's prone form in order to protect it from further damage.

Except Spock was not prone, but getting up again and fighting another pirate.

The whole mission from there on out went spectacularly well, with Spock and Kirk even standing back to back at one point, working together as if they'd been doing it all their lives. Kirk grinned rakishly as he kicked a pirate in the solar plexus and sent him flying.

In the end, the Enterprise defeated the pirates, returned some stolen property to its rightful owners, and rescued an Orion slave girl (who emitted a strange pheromone that Kirk was not thinking about again, at all, ever).

Afterward, Spock was in the infirmary, getting his shoulder tended to. Kirk had other duties, which sucked because he should have been there for him in his hour of painful need. In a sparkling fit of brilliance, however, he sent Uhura off the bridge with a wink, currying her favor and comforting Spock in one fell swoop. Sometimes he was so amazing at this best friend thing that he astounded even himself.

Unfortunately, Kirk got the idea that Spock still didn't know that they were best friends. He treated their chess nights like they were his duty, and he still called Kirk 'Captain' instead of 'Jim', even though Kirk had told him time and time again to use his first name.

He had no idea what to do about this. So, he sent a message to Spock. Not his Spock, but Old, Wrinkled Spock. The one who'd given him the best friends idea to start with.

He received a message back from New Vulcan in record time.

"We like chess."


That's it? Kirk thought. That's all the wisdom one hundred and so odd years could give him?

He sent another message, this time explaining the problem in more detail.

"I am sure your overtures of friendship have been received," the reply said.


Kirk did some research and invited Spock over for dinner. This time, he would make sure there wasn't a meatball in sight. In fact, he had the cook prepare the meal so he wouldn't be tempted.

Spock eyed the soup almost suspiciously, and spooned a sip to his lips. He nodded at Kirk. For Spock, this was high praise. Kirk straightened his shoulders proudly and took a sip of his own plomeek soup and repressed a shudder. It was horrifyingly disgusting. It tasted like corrugated paper. Possibly the white kind instead of the brown, it was so bland.

Kirk added salt and pepper and didn't look Spock's way.

"I've been meaning to ask you, Spock," he said slowly, thinking of Old Spock's words, "what do you think- I mean, well, um..."

Spock watched him.

"I mean to say, um... what would you..."

Spock continued to watch him as he tried to wrap his tongue around the right words.

"Are we friends yet?" Kirk blurted. "I mean, because I've been trying, but it's kind of hard to tell with you."

"Our relationship is one of duty and honor," Spock said, measuring his words out. "You are my Captain, and I am our First Officer."

"I know that," Kirk said, feeling a little like a balloon one had let the air out of. "But what I really want to know is how you feel about me."

Spock straightened even more and put his spoon down. "You know Vulcans do much to suppress their... feelings," he said. "I respect you as Captain."

"Oh," Kirk said. He wondered if the next words would be 'It's not you, it's me.'

Spock's face looked strained and a little greener than usual. He spoke even more slowly. "But will allow that our relationship holds a strand of friendship."

"Just a strand?" Kirk asked.

"I suppose I do ... hold an amount of ..."

"It's really hard for you to say it, isn't it?" Kirk asked wonderingly.

Spock nodded and looked at his cooling soup.

"You don't have to say you feel anything," Kirk said decisively. "That's fine."

"Oh?" Spock asked, looking relieved. Or at least his face showed a trace of what Kirk imagined was relief.

"We're friends. That's it. Case closed." He was used to the feeling of triumph, of course, but today it felt even more ... triumphant.

"Yes," Spock said.

And that was that.

gloss: (Uhura brainy)


[personal profile] gloss 2009-05-17 03:29 am (UTC)(link)

This is ridiculously fun -- you've totally captured just how much of a giant, slobbery, happy puppy Reboot!Kirk is, and there are lines that made me howl with laughter, and, well. *hearts*

Two of my favorite lines: Spock stared at him. "That is unnecessarily dishonest, completely illogical, and -- quite frankly -- abhorrent."

He was used to the feeling of triumph, of course, but today it felt even more ... triumphant.

Edited 2009-05-17 03:30 (UTC)
spintheiryarns: (l'horloge qui ne meura jamais)

[personal profile] spintheiryarns 2009-05-17 04:13 am (UTC)(link)
Eeeeeee. I loved this! Your Kirk made me :DDDDDDDDDDDDD all over the place.
sorrel: (Default)

[personal profile] sorrel 2009-05-17 04:50 am (UTC)(link)
Ahahaha Kirk. I'm just picturing Spock's thought processes through this, and there must have been a vast quantity of the Vulcan equivalent of whiskey tango foxtrot. But they got there in the end! And yay for friendships that don't need to be talked about, but just are.
k8andrewz: screen cap from Dredd (Default)

[personal profile] k8andrewz 2009-05-17 05:46 am (UTC)(link)
YAYYYY. I agree w/ another poster, this is totally slobbery puppy kirk and I <3 it a lot. V. nice.
yasaman: picture of jasmine flower, with text yasaman (Default)

[personal profile] yasaman 2009-05-17 06:21 am (UTC)(link)
This just made me ridiculously happy. OH KIRK. ♥
neery: Image of Saturn and a sun, words "Touching the stars" (Default)

[personal profile] neery 2009-05-17 07:16 am (UTC)(link)
Ahahaha, oh, Kirk. He is trying so hard, and yet so clueless!
scorpionvoices: clip-art of a happy green cartoon turtle (Default)

[personal profile] scorpionvoices 2009-05-17 07:52 am (UTC)(link)

neuroticsquid: (Default)

[personal profile] neuroticsquid 2009-05-17 02:46 pm (UTC)(link)
I giggled throughout the whole thing. ♥
acari: nuTrek | Spock (pointy-eared bastard)

[personal profile] acari 2009-05-17 04:04 pm (UTC)(link)
*grins* That was a lot of fun.
saavikam77: (Star Trek XI Logo)

[personal profile] saavikam77 2009-05-17 05:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Awwww!! :D Epic friendship FTW! I love all Jim's slightly misguided attempts to create that bond, and not even really realizing that he'd succeeded until the end. :p Wonderfully done.
tonko: (Trek: Reading some fanfic)

[personal profile] tonko 2009-05-17 05:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Eeeeeeeheeheeheeheehee. This is so funny and awesome. Kirk's voice is hysterical. xD Love it.
shaitanah: (kirk/spock)

[personal profile] shaitanah 2009-05-17 06:07 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL! This is awesome! <3 I love the way you portray Kirk and his crazy attempts at being Spock's friend))) So IC for him!
azurelunatic: A red apple with a bite out of it, captioned in Star Trek font "What no-win scenario?" (what no-win scenario)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2009-05-17 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)
I like this Kirk a *lot*.
isweedan: White jittering text "art is the weapon" on red field (Star Trek - Galia Is full of yay!)

[personal profile] isweedan 2009-05-17 07:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Ohmigosh. Sooo cute. Kirk is such a friendly *puppy*
flyingcarpet: Girl with Hair Ribbon, popart (Kirk)

[personal profile] flyingcarpet 2009-05-17 07:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Here on a rec from [personal profile] acari -- this is too, too funny. James T. Kirk, you are the most ridiculous man in the universe, and we love you for it. :D
chaosraven: Chopper (Default)

[personal profile] chaosraven 2009-05-17 07:34 pm (UTC)(link)
NIIIIICE. I look forward to the further adventures of dork&dork. <3
illariy: entrance into a swimming pool (Default)

[personal profile] illariy 2009-05-17 08:01 pm (UTC)(link)
:D So happy-making. Especially Spock's last reply that leaves it a little unclear what he's referring to (the case being closed or them being friends), saying it and yet not saying it. :D Thank you so much for sharing this!

P.S.: Friendship is traditionally coded in ST as &, e.g. "K&S".

egret: freddie mercury with mustache (freddie)

[personal profile] egret 2009-05-17 08:03 pm (UTC)(link)
This is very sweet.
Thanks for sharing it.

[personal profile] amymccabe 2009-05-17 08:25 pm (UTC)(link)
LMAO! I loved it!
dancesontrains: Zoe Saldana as Uhura (Uhura)

[personal profile] dancesontrains 2009-05-17 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I love you best of all <33333333333333 Crying with lols.
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)

How to win friends and influence Vulcans

[personal profile] cesy 2009-05-17 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I like this, though at a few points Kirk comes across as too young and puppy-like compared to my mental image. There's some nice humour in there as well.
skywaterblue: (Spock by Van Gogh)

[personal profile] skywaterblue 2009-05-17 09:32 pm (UTC)(link)
This is hilarious. My favorite line: We Like Chess. LOL, way to help, Spock Prime.
burntcopper: (Default)

[personal profile] burntcopper 2009-05-17 09:41 pm (UTC)(link)
:glee: oh, Kirk, your subtlety is legendary.
ext_41564: (spock/uhura)

[identity profile] 2009-05-17 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh Kirk, you're such a lovable douche! LOL
meallanmouse: (Star Trek | Enterprise | Thataway)

[personal profile] meallanmouse 2009-05-17 10:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I very much enjoyed reading this and the character voices were spot on. =)

(The "We like chess" bit just about killed me, in a good way. XD)

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