green: parker in a maid's uniform and a saucy wink (leverage: parker winking)
previously, on Green's Personal Life:


our intrepid heroine started taking a new psych med that actually seems to work. depression has (for however long) lifted. med is expensive and likely will be unavailable in approx 5 weeks.


and now we present Green's Personal Life (Monday edition):


thought of the day — apparently being less depressed means I'm more likely to post. WOW.


ANYWAY. actual content:

dentist today, bill paid for by mom. cleaning and x-rays to see where we go from here.

before I tell you, I gotta say - being depressed and not taking care of yourself go hand in hand. it's HARD. it's legit difficult to smell non-offensive if you're really down, and brushing and flossing regularly has not even been on my to-do list. so while I'm kinda ashamed of letting it get this bad, let's all acknowledge the wide range of issues depression has an effect on. your social life suffers, your intellectual life, your creativity, your physical health, and SO MUCH MORE. I had an abscess for months and didn't get it checked out because I was too depressed and anxious to leave the house. Now that's been taken care of, but I still have so many cavities.

4 cavities are REALLY BAD. one is in a wisdom tooth and I'm getting that extracted. 3 are... I forget what they called it, but it's black fissures along the gumline. it's so gross, and embarrassing, and god I hope I can keep up with my oral hygiene once all this gets fixed.
green: (stock: balloons)
I am so frustrated! I haven't been able to leave the house in weeks. Mom is sick and so she can't go for me, and we're running low on food. We certainly don't have holiday ingredients yet, but more than that, I need to get to the pharmacy to pick up one of Meg's meds. I am getting so... ugh, I guess I'm not angry, just really frustrated.

I was so sure I'd be able to do it today but now I'm thinking no. Again. :\
green: vector art zombie head (misc: zombie)
I'm kinda out of it today. My head is a cross between supremely tired and outrageously MESSED UP. Just tangled up and hardly making sense. Words = difficult. Going from one subject to another in a logical way isn't working. In my mind, I mean. I feel like this might be like having a concussion, only without the severe blow to the head.

Possibly medication-related, since it only got worse after I the dose of Ritalin 2 or so hours ago. Which I took to combat the lethargy and tiredness I assumed was depression-related.

Ugh. This is NOT FUN.

This is a case where my DW zombie icon is actually warranted.
green: zoe and mal from firefly with the caption 'sanity is relative' (firefly: sanity is relative)
(title from The Bell Jar, cause I'm feeling obvious)

Been feeling really crappy[1] for the past few days. Don't know why, exactly[2]. It's possibly the med I tried last week but you'd think that would be over with by now, especially since I only took it for 3 days. But anyway.

I am depressed. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being 'it's great to be alive' and 1 means I need a hospital setting where my shoelaces are taken, I'd go with 1.39 as my number.

DISTRACTIONS WELCOME.

Also, I'd like to say that I'm so sick of people using the word 'depressed' when they aren't actually depressed, because then when the word is used properly, it reads as a very weak, watered-down description of what it truly is.

I've let Mom know how bad it is, so she's watching me. In case you were worried. So don't worry.


[1] understatement

[2] so sick of blaming everything on my brain weasels - yes, I do know that 'random bouts of depression' comes with the bipolar territory, but it makes me feel so helpless when that's the ~only reason. I want something concrete I can, idk, SHOOT. something other than my own head, I mean. oh, haha, probably shouldn't say that in the same post where I'm alluding to suicide, right?
green: vector art zombie head (misc: zombie)
people - other people, who are not me - do more than one thing in a day.

not that I did less than two things today.

I cooked and watched one very short video and made a short list of things to buy for the house.

I made a post asking for help on something.

I found a story I want to read and read about 1/5 of it.

I texted Dominica 4 times but didn't get an answer.

I made a short post in my online course's forum.

BUT

I would have liked to do other things. like watch more of the videos (these are for an online course that just started today, and I am already behind). and write - I would have liked to write a bit.

I would like to point to what I did already and say 'that. that is enough.'

but woe.
green: zoe and mal from firefly with the caption 'sanity is relative' (firefly: sanity is relative)
I've been looking online at different free mood diaries, but I'm getting a little overwhelmed and would like to have a shorter list to look at.

Does anyone use any (free) mood software (PC/Windows) that has helped at all? I need something with entries for multiple moods per day and also different meds.

It can be downloadable software or a service/site I could sign up for. Either one.

Thank you in advance.

(x-posted to [community profile] phases)
green: (labyrinth: dance with me)
It's pretty amazing that somehow after all this time, I've never actually made or used a 'physical health' tag. I have my 'my back hurts' tag, but nothing about any other physical complaints, just my pain. Huh.

But then I have to add the 'mental health' tag, because it's tied together.

VERTIGO, my friends, has come upon me once again. (not Hitchcock's kind)

I've had bouts of it over the years (the worst case of it I ever had was shortly after 9/11), and it's always because of some kind of upset in my emotions. If I cry too hard, BOOM, I get dizzy, and the dizziness might last for days. Usually it's manageable, but the previously mentioned 2001 case was debilitating. I could not move from my bed without assistance, and when I didn't get that assistance (thanks, asshole!) I ended up crawling on my knees to the bathroom in order to throw up. Nice, huh? (it should be mentioned that I was in my 3rd trimester and 9/11 was also Dad's bday, and he'd died a couple of months before. so there were many negative factors contributing to my state)

This time around, it's not nearly as bad. (and I am SO grateful for that!) But it has been going on for a few days now, and it isn't getting better.

If it gets any worse, I'll go to the doc and get some Antivert. Or tests. Or whatever. Sometimes it goes away on its own and I really don't have the money for another doctor visit this month. Or more meds. I know there are some exercises I can try at home to maybe lessen the problem, but UGH. They make you dizzy in order to make you less dizzy. I'm trying NOT to be dizzy, you know? :( I'm such a coward.
green: (bandom: gerard scream)
does thinking about the past ever lead to anything good? usually I try not to dwell unless I'm forced to by the psych industry (*snort*) but today I'm having insights and it's making me angry.

I don't want to be angry. though angry is probably better than apathetic. I don't know. is it? am I coming out of the depression, or is it getting worse?

today I'm mad at everyone who was around me when I was a young teenager and first coming into my Powers. (again, I snort. I mean the brain weasels.) I'm mad at them for not thinking zebras when they heard the hoofbeats. Which is irrational of me, I KNOW it is. I guess you see a kid whose parents just divorced, whose father is a vet with PTSD and a host of other abuse-causing shit, and you think 'oh, of course, depression and mild trauma/confusion' not 'burgeoning yet permanent mood and anxiety disorders'. But the crap in my head only ever got worse, and it feels like the folks who were supposed to notice I was drowning - my mom, my teachers, my psychologist - fell down on the job and left me wide open for the fiasco to happen.

Heh. Calling my marriage a 'fiasco' instead of 'a decade-long prison' or 'carnival of abuse' has got to be progress, right? :P
green: (Default)
I've always had a scalp-picking thing, but it's never been a problem until a few months ago. it was always just a quirk. now I do it so much that I'm losing so so so much hair. it's scary, but scarier is the idea of putting something over my head so I can't get to my scalp when I need to. it's less OCD-type dealie and more an addiction. :(

don't know why I'm telling you this, just had to get it out there. it's to the point where I'm afraid to brush or wash my hair because of all the strands (gahhhhhhhhh) that come away when I do.
green: (bandom: gerard scream)
I hate my brain. >:(

lately I've been irritable, angry, frustrated... whatever you want to call it. it's not coming from anything REAL. it's my fucked up brain chemistry and that is all. it's not fun.

so I'm kinda not talking to anyone, no comments or IMs or emails, in case I say anything stupid that I later regret.

ttyl
green: (Default)
I'm still reeling a little over my latest denial for disability benefits. So today I did some research to see what the problem is, exactly. These are just some random notes picked up from around the web, written by people who seem to know what they're talking about. Everything here will be related to my own problems, so please do your own research in addition to this if you aren't my exact mental health twin.

the better news first, and then some really fucked up reasoning on the part of the government of what constitutes a real mental disability and what we should just ignore and/or 'work through' in order to eat and have a roof over our heads ) Maybe I shouldn't be doing this... But I hesitate to leave it up to the attorneys, you know?

Heh, this post is a lot shorter than I thought it would be. I really was gonna research more, but now I'm not in a good place. I'm going to call the attorney instead, and hope they know their shit. :\

eta: called the attorney's office and was informed that soon they will put in for an appeal, but that it will take 12-24 months to see a judge. no comment.
green: zoe and mal from firefly with the caption 'sanity is relative' (firefly: sanity is relative)
apparently since I can fake sanity and not fall apart for short periods of time with docs and stuff, I am able to work.

yeah. got turned down for disability again. next step is an appeal hearing with a judge. :/
green: (stock: typewriter)
My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but [personal profile] nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And [personal profile] wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )
green: (Default)
so, yesterday I had a bad brain day and today I discovered, much to my DISMAY and SHAME, that I did not take my meds yesterday. *facepalm*

today I am watching Captain America again. It makes me happy. :D
green: (Default)
am so fucking stressed and my brain isn't working right and I just want to fall off the face of the earth. maybe I'll play a game or something instead of trying to get my brain working again. mindless video games might bet he way to go.
green: (Default)
MRI went well. It was an open one this time, so I wasn't TRAPPED even though I was strapped to a weird neck brace.

I'm dizzy, but [personal profile] schemingreader just pointed out to me that MRIs make lots of people dizzy.

I'm at that point in the year where I'm worried about going back to school. I took this semester off because of my back and was grateful I DID take off because of all the problems we've been having with Meg. It's been a bad six months.

But now I'm going 'wow, I don't know if I can do it' and also there's the thing where our food stamps get cut in half if I'm in school and we really can't afford that. Last time we barely got by, and I had help from you guys financially. So I don't know.

Also, my head is fucked up. Not really badly, I can function day to day, but I don't know how well I'd do in school. It might be good for me and it might be terrible.

I did really well last semester. I made the Dean's List. I had fun learning, even when I felt like I was barely holding on. But I did it. I don't know. I need to think some more.
green: (bandom: cool story)
gahhhh I am almost fangirled out. almost. but not quite.

I'm writing three fics at once and I really didn't intend to.

but SHERLOCK and TEEN WOLF and AVENGERS.

talk of writing with minor spoilers for future fics )

I am afraid I am up. I was fighting depression for about two weeks, but now I am up and that means a crash in the future and I'm not looking forward to it. Going to the doc on Tuesday and maybe we can tweak the meds so this doesn't happen. Until then, I'm just gonna deal. Have to. I mean, right now the mood is good, I'm getting things done and can do creative things. So far my head hasn't gotten too full (well, it was getting that way but writing this out has helped) and I don't feel like my synapses are firing too fast. Just fast enough, actually. JFC, I wish I was like this all the time.

A friend is trying to get me into Homestuck. I have links to primers and fic recs! As soon as my brain shuts up about John Watson's manpain I will delve in.

You know that Adele song "Someone Like You"? It makes me sob. Every single time I hear it. I don't even like my ex, why does this affect me so much? I guess my emotions are very close to the surface lately.

wow, I wrote a lot. hi, hypomania!
green: (sherlock: john watson)
wrote a fic, got it beta read, too unfocused to edit.

feel really bad. really, really bad. words do not adequately describe my feelings.

stress and worry suck. depressed now. not happy with this.

could probably use a hug.
green: (Default)
I think I am depressed. I haven't been depressed in months and this is UNWANTED. >:(

I can't do anything. I'm pissed that I didn't make art for the reverse big bang bandom whatchamacallit.

Also, I'm a little sensitive. And I've been depressed since Jasmine died. I had a dream last night that she was alive and I was so happy, and I woke up happy, and then she was still gone and I remembered and UGH.

And I'm really lonely.

Wow, this post sucks.
green: (Default)
still having trouble keeping my emotions in check. you know it's bad when you cry at the end of Racing Stripes.

.../o\

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