green: (Default)
Hi, and welcome to my journal! You found me!

Here are some other places you can find me:

AIM: beingagreenmum
personal tumblr: http://yogi-bogey-box.tumblr.com/
callum keith rennie tumblr: http://fuckyeahcallumkeithrennie.tumblr.com/
twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/undeny
my fic at AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/users/Green
livejournal: (same content as DW) http://undeny.livejournal.com
recs: https://pinboard.in/u:greenie-green/t:recs/

you can find my art/icon/graphics credits here @ pinboard

my fic on DW is all tagged.

Friend/defriend at will. Access or none, it's all good.

TRANSFORMATIVE WORK POLICY

Feel free to podfic, illustrate, make banners, translate, write sequels or remix my fics. Feel free to write fic for my art. Do whatever you want. Just link back to the original, okay?

So I'm giving blanket permission to make transformative works of my (solo) transformative works -- you don't have to ask! I would prefer you tell me where you've posted so I can squee about it, though, and thank you very much for choosing to do something with my stuff.

EDIT, taken from [personal profile] teaotter's policy:

Additionally, for podficcers:

If you ever need to change words/omit dialogue tags/add dialogue tags/bend, fold, spindle or punch holes in one of my fics for better podficcing purposes, please do so at will! If you do, please give yourself credit for it, wherever you would normally have notes: "this fic is by [author] with (additions/alterations/ease-of-podfic transformations/contributions/however you want to describe it) by [your name]", or "adapted for podfic by [you] from a work by [author]" or whatever variation works for you.
green: (Default)
I'm doing pretty well. The medications I'm on have been good. I'm finally scheduled to see someone about my back.

DJ still isn't talking to me, but he graduated on Sunday. I was able to watch via live feed. He's signed up to go into the Air Force for 6 years. They want him for NASA or intelligence, they told him. I don't know if we can trust them, but I guess we'll see.

I miss him a lot.

My relationship with Zachary is really good though. We talk all the time, text and Facetime, and I try to support him no matter what his current passion is. It was drawing for awhile, which I could really get behind, but now he seems to be leaning more toward... gardening? I don't even know.

Meg was falling down a lot until we got to the doctor and he figured out it was vertigo from allergies. We got her on a new antihistamine and she's stopped falling.

As for me, other than the YAY MEDS working, I've been writing a lot. Unfortunately, everything I write is super long so I'm not actually posting much.

I probably left a lot out, so if you have a question just ask. I'd love some interaction.

5-6

May. 6th, 2016 01:48 pm
green: image of TOS Spock with text "Live Long & Prosper" (trek: LLAP)
happy bday to meeeee
green: vector art zombie head (misc: zombie)
I'm kinda out of it today. My head is a cross between supremely tired and outrageously MESSED UP. Just tangled up and hardly making sense. Words = difficult. Going from one subject to another in a logical way isn't working. In my mind, I mean. I feel like this might be like having a concussion, only without the severe blow to the head.

Possibly medication-related, since it only got worse after I the dose of Ritalin 2 or so hours ago. Which I took to combat the lethargy and tiredness I assumed was depression-related.

Ugh. This is NOT FUN.

This is a case where my DW zombie icon is actually warranted.
green: zoe and mal from firefly with the caption 'sanity is relative' (firefly: sanity is relative)
(title from The Bell Jar, cause I'm feeling obvious)

Been feeling really crappy[1] for the past few days. Don't know why, exactly[2]. It's possibly the med I tried last week but you'd think that would be over with by now, especially since I only took it for 3 days. But anyway.

I am depressed. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being 'it's great to be alive' and 1 means I need a hospital setting where my shoelaces are taken, I'd go with 1.39 as my number.

DISTRACTIONS WELCOME.

Also, I'd like to say that I'm so sick of people using the word 'depressed' when they aren't actually depressed, because then when the word is used properly, it reads as a very weak, watered-down description of what it truly is.

I've let Mom know how bad it is, so she's watching me. In case you were worried. So don't worry.


[1] understatement

[2] so sick of blaming everything on my brain weasels - yes, I do know that 'random bouts of depression' comes with the bipolar territory, but it makes me feel so helpless when that's the ~only reason. I want something concrete I can, idk, SHOOT. something other than my own head, I mean. oh, haha, probably shouldn't say that in the same post where I'm alluding to suicide, right?
green: vector art zombie head (misc: zombie)
good morning!

I need to post here more often. last night I was backreading some of my circle's posts and saw several bemoaning the shift of fandom to Tumblr and how after the move to LJ some of us were not-quite-comfy with all the new info (posts about our cats and plants and bodily functions...) but now it's gone in the opposite direction and there's very little of the personal now. And how it's harder to make new fannish friends. I think it's not harder, it's just different. But I also would like to hang out here more often and interact with my circle more. But that's on ME. I don't spend a lot of time on Tumblr but I don't spend a lot of time on DW or LJ, either. The majority of my interactions happen via IM nowadays, but because of my various anxieties, I'm only chatting with 3 people on a regular basis: [personal profile] majoline, [personal profile] calystarose, and [tumblr.com profile] limnetic. I don't really feel comfortable with anyone else anymore. :\ But I think I'm better with interactions on DW and LJ. And I recently joined [livejournal.com profile] ushobwri and am trying to comment there and be a real part of that community, though it's way outside what's become my comfort zone.

gotta go. we're taking meg to get her new AFOs today. they have stars! current ones have butterflies and I think the stars are a little more 'grown up'. :)
green: (buffy: willow/tara)
This morning I started thinking how much I wish I could make Mom happy with the religion stuff. I started thinking about how she's 70 now, and her health isn't stellar, and how maybe one day I'll regret not at least going to church with her sometimes. But just the thought of setting foot in a Christian church again, and a Free Will Baptist church at that, makes me sick to my stomach.

Read more... )
green: (labyrinth: dance with me)
It's pretty amazing that somehow after all this time, I've never actually made or used a 'physical health' tag. I have my 'my back hurts' tag, but nothing about any other physical complaints, just my pain. Huh.

But then I have to add the 'mental health' tag, because it's tied together.

VERTIGO, my friends, has come upon me once again. (not Hitchcock's kind)

I've had bouts of it over the years (the worst case of it I ever had was shortly after 9/11), and it's always because of some kind of upset in my emotions. If I cry too hard, BOOM, I get dizzy, and the dizziness might last for days. Usually it's manageable, but the previously mentioned 2001 case was debilitating. I could not move from my bed without assistance, and when I didn't get that assistance (thanks, asshole!) I ended up crawling on my knees to the bathroom in order to throw up. Nice, huh? (it should be mentioned that I was in my 3rd trimester and 9/11 was also Dad's bday, and he'd died a couple of months before. so there were many negative factors contributing to my state)

This time around, it's not nearly as bad. (and I am SO grateful for that!) But it has been going on for a few days now, and it isn't getting better.

If it gets any worse, I'll go to the doc and get some Antivert. Or tests. Or whatever. Sometimes it goes away on its own and I really don't have the money for another doctor visit this month. Or more meds. I know there are some exercises I can try at home to maybe lessen the problem, but UGH. They make you dizzy in order to make you less dizzy. I'm trying NOT to be dizzy, you know? :( I'm such a coward.

love meme

Dec. 14th, 2012 05:24 pm
green: (stock: balloons)
I didn't put my name in for the last one, or the one before that, or the one before that. But I self-nommed for this one because I like to be appreciated sometimes and I like that this one's on DW. (I also love the way this meme is going. such thoughtful comments!)

My thread is here.
green: (stock: typewriter)
My 'you've got kudos!' email from AO3 this morning was massive. And I didn't even post to any main comms! I've still got to post the link to the teen wolf and sterek comms. But yay, for a shortish PWP I didn't think would get much readership, The Rites of Midnight is doing really well! (I think the main reason is because it's the most popular pairing in a huge fandom, but maybe part of it at least is that it's good?)

(But what I am REALLY excited about is my TW Hols fic. Which ... still hasn't been posted. Woessss.)

But my Secret Snarry Swap fic is doing really well, too. I will tell you a secret: I am in love with the response to my Snarry. Because it's in a journal entry (3 of them, really, on IJ, DW, and LJ) and has gotten comments. Actual comments with substance. And recs! After I'm revealed as the author I will tell you about the recs. Because it's so exciting! And all without my name attached to the fic, so it's anonymous squeeing and admiration for the writing and the plot and the characterizations and the SUBSTANCE of the fic. I'm not saying I'm posting all my fics anon from now on (that would drive me nuts! I want credit!) but there's something interesting about the response from people when they don't know who I am.(You can tell I don't do anon exchanges very often)

The icons are coming along well! People have suggested some really interesting characters. (FRANNIE VECCHIO) (chrome wants me to change Vechio to Lovechild. and then I realized it's Vecchio and it wants me to change it to Pinocchio. WHAT? *adds Vecchio to dictionary*)

I'm so nervous about the boys coming. I don't know how I'll handle 13 days with them. Well, I know I'll have Ativan, but I need ideas of things to do with them. I bought new video games (which means I'll have less money for food. oops.) and hopefully that will keep them happy. There will be cooking/baking they can do with me, but I think only Zach will enjoy that while DJ reads. Or whatever it is that DJ does while he's ignoring me/the world.

I wanted to do that fandom stocking thingy but I did not. I wanted to put my name and address in for people to send me cards, but I didn't do that, either. So now it's too late and I'm feeling down about not getting things.

OH. but [personal profile] nwhepcat sent me TWO cards. And [personal profile] wesleysgirl sent me a card with Snoopy on it! Which reminds me of Xander's Snoopy dance and makes me even happier. THANK YOU, GUYS.

I keep starting and deleting an 'about me' post. some stuff about me that's too boring to take up its own post - trigger warning for mention of abuse and suicidal thoughts )
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my mom just told the neighborhood children to "get the hell off the lawn and if you throw a rock at the dog I'm going to bust your butt!"

sometimes mom is hilarious.

we have a FENCE, so they're not actually in the yard, just running along outside it.

now the kids are going to make up stories about my mother, the actual wicked witch of the neighborhood. there will be dares to climb the fence and fetch balls from her collection. or something.

I need to go to the grocery store and buy non-thanksgiving foods.

I run out of meds on friday and do not have an appointment to get more until next wednesday.

OMG I HAVE AN ARTIST FOR DRAGON BIG BANG! Now I really have to finish the fic, huh? :P Seriously though, I'm so excited.

I don't cuss half as much as I used to. Those of you who've been around for awhile might have noticed that.

this is pretty much a post that says nothing. HI. drop by and say hi if you're reading. also, if I haven't granted you access and you really want it, let me know, because I've fallen behind on keeping tabs on who's in and who's out.
green: (glitch)
glitch is closing, oh noes! it's so sad, I just started playing and there's so much of the world I haven't even seen yet. :(

On the good side of things, I have gotten some good stuff done on my Snarry fic, which is due on the 19th (meep) and hopefully I'll be done with it in time. \o/?

(meanwhile, dragon big bang is on hold while I finish the snarry)

oh, and did I mention I'm sick of PLAGUE? it's a gentle plague so far, but I know what's coming since mom is the one who gave it to me and I saw what she went through with it. :(

spewage

Oct. 4th, 2012 11:56 am
green: (teen wolf: derek/stiles)
am doing much better! no more 'omg wanna die' thoughts, which is a good thing.

I've been devouring Teen Wolf fic. I have so many thoughts about this but getting them down might be hard, since I can't concentrate too well. I can concentrate enough to read, though. yay!

making peanut butter pie later today. mmm.

not that long ago, one of my teeth broke because it was ROTTEN. but yesterday I got it fixed/filled. the dentist said there was a 50/50 chance of it giving me major problems after the filling, but so far so good. mom paid. it is my xmas present.

I am worried that xmas will suck for the boys. also, zach's birthday, which is december 17th. but it's nothing I can do anything about so I'm not going to stress too badly. yet. (holidays are not about presents, but presents are nice and ... let's face it, they are expected, and also I am really embarrassed when I can't buy my kids presents)

last night I dreamed about my grandmother and my daughter living in the same nursing home. I guess I've been thinking about the possibility of meg going into group care. not soon, but one day. I can't take care of her forever. I would like my own life eventually, but thinking about it makes me feel so selfish and petty. and now I am crying. wtf.
green: a mother lion licking her cub (stock: mommy and cub)
meg is doing better with the change of meds. well, mostly. today she's not so good. crying a lot. :\

I've been doing nothing but reading fic since I finished The End of Sorrow. I'd rather be writing. I love fic, and it's good to be able to read again (for so long I couldn't concentrate on it), but I'd rather be creating something.

Agoraphobia sucks.

I have another MRI tomorrow. My neck, this time.

That's all, I think.
green: (sherlock: john watson)
wrote a fic, got it beta read, too unfocused to edit.

feel really bad. really, really bad. words do not adequately describe my feelings.

stress and worry suck. depressed now. not happy with this.

could probably use a hug.
green: (Default)
Good news! My weird neurological symptoms are caused by a vitamin deficiency.

Also, I got tested for diabetes and am waiting for the results. It will take a couple of days, might not be until Monday or Tuesday. It's a possibility that this is why I'm thirsty and pee all the time. /tmi

Meg has asthma on top of the seizures now.
green: (Default)
OH AND!

Cycle of Souls, or at least the first part, is now available in Russian!

The lovely masha_kami came to me and wanted to translate it, and wow, that is so awesome! \o/

*

I had PT today, and it hurts. I also had an English essay. And my final is on Monday for that class. Wheeeee.

Have I mentioned that I'm probably not going to school next semester? :\ If I get an appointment with an adviser I might. UGH SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON.

anyway. so stressed. bye.

:(

Dec. 6th, 2011 08:27 am
green: (bandom: korse)
my stomach is tore up. that's how you say it here in the south. tore up. it's anxiety. last night I had nightmares about the poetry presentation I have to give today, and I think I have to miss my last Algebra class because I shouldn't stray far from the toilet.

I feel awful. :(

ugh, I really need to go to that Algebra class.

send good thoughts?

also, mom felt the need to send me an email news article about 100 Orthodox rabbis and their same-sex declaration (hint: they're not for it). so it's like she's poking my religion and my queerness at the same time? not that I'm Orthodox. But mom seems to think that Orthodox Judaism is the best Judaism and ... idk how to explain it. I want to cry.
green: (Default)
can't decide whether I want chicken tacos or ground turkey tacos. def want to make tacos, though.

dear december: you suck.

meg got sick again today like she has the three other times in the past few months -- lethargic, pale, clammy, can't walk. took her to the doctor. doctor ordered blood work, but otherwise doesn't know what's up.

wednesday meg has an mri. on the 22nd, she's going in the hospital for tests for a few days. I start PT on thursday. I have finals next week. I am so stressed. meanwhile, mom is nuttier than usual.

and I can't decide what kind of tacos I want to eat.

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