green: image of TOS Spock with text "Live Long & Prosper" (trek: LLAP)
green ([personal profile] green) wrote2015-05-14 04:10 pm

tw: body issues and suicidal ideation

putting this behind a cut because weight/body/food talk (plus "death/suicide is inevitable" thoughts)

weigh-in at the doc on Monday showed that I've gained another inconvenient 5 lbs. it's hard to move around when I'm in pain so much, but probably the lack of moving around and all the weight combines to give more pain. it's not a fun spot to be in.

so I need to start paying more attention to what I eat and how much I move. I've been so depressed that have really bought into the idea that suicide is inevitable and therefore I really don't need to worry too much about my health since it won't matter in the long run. but now I'm not sure if that's 100% true?

anyway, this isn't an announcement that I'm starting some bold new diet and exercise plan or anything, I just am trying to come to terms with the fact that I NEED TO LOSE SOME GODDAMN WEIGHT. because right now I'm weighing in at 230 lbs and I think it's making the chronic pain even worse.

luckily there's a lot of resources online for weight loss while physically disabled. it might take some time to narrow down the advice into an actual, workable plan, but I know the basics. eat less (or at least, more healthily) and move more. it's pretty much the same as before, only I am NOT going to be setting any HUGE, scary goals and therefore I won't overwhelm myself. baby steps.

GOAL: 215 lbs. that's 15 lbs to lose, but I think it's doable.

STEP ONE: set a goal done!

p.s. yes I know I should discuss with my doc. but I don't have the money for an extra doc visit and didn't think of it on Monday, so I can't do that for a few months.

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