green: gerard way screaming (bandom: gerard scream)
green ([personal profile] green) wrote2014-01-30 09:16 am

"When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras."

does thinking about the past ever lead to anything good? usually I try not to dwell unless I'm forced to by the psych industry (*snort*) but today I'm having insights and it's making me angry.

I don't want to be angry. though angry is probably better than apathetic. I don't know. is it? am I coming out of the depression, or is it getting worse?

today I'm mad at everyone who was around me when I was a young teenager and first coming into my Powers. (again, I snort. I mean the brain weasels.) I'm mad at them for not thinking zebras when they heard the hoofbeats. Which is irrational of me, I KNOW it is. I guess you see a kid whose parents just divorced, whose father is a vet with PTSD and a host of other abuse-causing shit, and you think 'oh, of course, depression and mild trauma/confusion' not 'burgeoning yet permanent mood and anxiety disorders'. But the crap in my head only ever got worse, and it feels like the folks who were supposed to notice I was drowning - my mom, my teachers, my psychologist - fell down on the job and left me wide open for the fiasco to happen.

Heh. Calling my marriage a 'fiasco' instead of 'a decade-long prison' or 'carnival of abuse' has got to be progress, right? :P
romantical: (Sexy - boobies)

[personal profile] romantical 2014-01-30 04:40 pm (UTC)(link)
I think anger - or any emotion - is a good thing. And when you're in a depression, it's really hard to think about the good times that were surely there. Even if they were in the smallest of moments.

You're strong, even if you don't feel it, and if it helps, use the anger as fuel to prove them all wrong. (That is my personal motivator - the best way to get me to do something is tell me I can't do it)

romantical: (he said she said)

[personal profile] romantical 2014-01-30 04:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Usually it takes a thing to make it work for you. I had a boyfriend once who decided he was in love with my sister, and it changed my whole self-esteem perspective. I hope you find your thing.
waketosleep: signboard saying 'I have seen the truth and it doesn't make sense' (Default)

[personal profile] waketosleep 2014-01-30 09:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, there's nothing wrong with feeling angry. But the anger does have to go away at some point. I spent a couple years angry and therefore snappish and it did nobody any favours. It also made my insomnia worse and tended to trigger mood swings sometimes.

So, I guess, don't feel guilty about your anger--it sounds like you've got good reason to feel slighted by life--but try to work through it, see what's on the other side.
punkpinkpower: Made for me by jtriskell (AllInThisTogether)

[personal profile] punkpinkpower 2014-01-30 09:30 pm (UTC)(link)
You know, it's funny. We friended each other during Snow Flake because we were like "Yeah happy love things share the world wooo" but as we go on this month, I'm learning more and more about you and realizing that we have a whole lot more in common than just our good things.

Obvs I don't know your whole store, but here is an abbreviated version of mine: When I was 15, my best friend committed suicide. I feel into a really deep dark hole of depression, and everyone around me assumed that it was normal. Only it lasted for 3 years, the depression, and was couple with PTSD I started suffering due to not being able to talk about the trauma, and was ALSO the onset of my Bipolar disorder.

So when you say "mad at everyone who didn't notice" boy oh boy do I feel you. My mom used to hear me crying in the shower every night, but didn't feel she could do anything about it. Nobody around me thought it was anything more serious than a reaction to my friends suicide, and while obviously that set it off, it took me years to realize there were other things going on. And what still pisses me off is that if just one person has listened to me, really listened instead of saying shit like "You need to stop this now, it's time to move on" I probably could have avoided the PTSD, too.

And I'm angry all the time. I think... I think when you go through trauma, that anger is the first and last response. Anger is the thing that stays, for me. I can feel other emotions, I can be happy and be entertained and be in love and be joyful and live my life... but I have never stopped being angry. I really am angry all the time. It's a conscious decision not to let that anger rule my life, but I do feel it. Often.

And what's interesting about the people who are in my life now is that they always think Zebra's! I've been under control for about 2 years now, right med dosages, good support system, really minor downswings. But my mom and my husband both tend to think Zebra's anytime I feel the least bit poorly. It's an overreaction to the trauma they know I've been though, probably.

So I think what I'm getting at here is that it's okay to be angry. You may never stop being angry- I don't think I ever will. And anger can be good. It can drive you and motivate you and keep you going. It can also burn you out. There's... there's a balance and it isn't easy to find.

But when you live lives with mental illness, what's easy, right? So my vote is that anger is progress. We're all struggling with things and we're all in different places and we're all angry, and none of us is wrong for it. <3
punkpinkpower: (Default)

[personal profile] punkpinkpower 2014-01-31 01:10 am (UTC)(link)
You are very welcome, dear. (I think you're awesome too!)